Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Spotty trick pony

Knabstruber showin off his talents, its in German but you can figure out what happening :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

Amazing Freestyle reining

I could watch this over and over, what a cool, unique and well executed run, not to mention doing it 2 pointed in an english saddle.

Friday, October 8, 2010

You may be a horse crazy student if...

-You wonder why people complain about having to get up so early for a
9am class. You feel like saying, "Try getting up at 4am on weekends
for horse shows!".
- Your papers for your writing classes contain stories of horses.
- When people complain about an instructor being cruel and too hard,
you think of the riding instructor's you've had... the ones who made
you run the barrels on foot, jump bareback, or ride backwards to
improve your balance...

- Your social life consists of chatting with people at horse shows.
Or, chatting with them on The Ultimate Horse Site.

- Your facebook profile includes more photos of horses than of you.
- You accept fb friends instantly if they have a picture of a horse in their profile.
- You've added Ultimate Horse Site to your fb Friends:
- You wonder why people buy energy drinks to get through their
classes, when you've spent early-mornings loading up horse trailers,
pulled all-nighters watching colicing horses, and afternoons grooming
horses for hours... on an empty stomach. And all they need to do is
sit still and stay awake...

- You need a break from school work so you visit The Ultimate Horse
Site to see if there are any updates.

- Your idea of a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend , besides being sweet, smart, and
caring, and all that -- is one who can fix stalls, muck barns, and
enjoys riding on the beach.

- You haven't been on a date in a long time and you think you'll
probably end up marrying a farrier or a vet (since they are the people
you see most often).

- In a human genetics class, you often ask things like, "Does it work
like that in horses too?"

- In biology class your instructor looks at you any time horses are mentioned
- Your instructor doesn't remember your name but calls you "the horse person".
- In American History class, you often ask, "What was the name of his horse?"
- When you write papers for history classes, you always mention the
horses and their contributions to society.

- You get excited in an English Literature class when you come across
material about horses.

- You've asked the engineering students to calculate the wingspan of a
hypothetically functional pegasus (still waiting on the answer to that

- You'd totally take the art class if, instead of sculpting a nude
model, you practiced creating horses.

- You write a movie review for literature class on Henry V and
conclude it by analyzing the horsemanship in the film.

- You see a cute guy and think, "I wonder what he'd look like in Wranglers..."
- You ask your history teacher what the most important animal in
history is and then argue with him that it was the horse.

- You don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend because you spend all your
spare time with your horses.

- You can spend an hour discussing horses with an instructor or
classmates, but not politics or sociology.

- Your idea of a controversial issue is NAIS, horse slaughter, or
mustang management.

- You don't understand mini-skirts or high-heeled shoes.
- When someone complains of having to make a long drive for a few
hours, you smile and think of the time you drove 9 hrs to a clinic, or
2 days to make it to a horse event.

- You have horse doodles in your notebooks.
- You think the cafeteria isn't THAT bad; You've had much worse
horse-show-stand food.

- You see a girl wearing a pair of high-heeled, pointy-toed
fashionable boots and when she tells you how much they cost you say,
"Wow, you could have bought a nice pair of REAL boots for that!"

- Your classmates/friends have referred to you as "horse lady",
"cowboy", "horse guy", etc.

- You end up driving your friends everywhere because your big truck
can fit them all.

- You've had to explain to said friends what some of the objects in
your truck are; "That's a hoofpick..." "Umm, those leather strips are

- You invite all your friends to come riding with you.
- This is all assuming you HAVE any friends because your horse takes
up so much time...

- You've answered your cell phone while riding before and had to tell
someone, "Hold on a second, my horse is being a brat".

- The vet's number is programmed into your cell phone.
- So is the farrier's.
- You can't understand how people sleep till noon on the weekends;
what a waste of productive early-morning time!

- You can't understand why people can talk about cars for hours, but
someone asks about your horse and you can't shut up

- You've spent more than an hour talking to someone at school about horses.
- You've spent more than an hour talking to an instructor about horses.
- You've walked up to strangers and joined in conversations because
you heard them mention horses.

- You tell your friends you can't make it because the farrier is
coming and for a second don't realize why they look at you funny ("Oh,
the farrier is a person who puts shoes on a horse...")

- You frequently have to explain things to your non-horsey friends;
"No, a pony is NOT a baby horse"; "A farrier has nothing to do with
faries"; "When I said I was training a stud, I meant a horse, stupid!"

- You are one of the few people who can talk about whips, spurs, and
leather and not think anything kinky
- You've embarassed yourself by mentioning spurs, crops, leather, stud services, etc. in public without realizing how it sounded.
- Your arms and face are tanned, but your legs aren't.
- You love the smell of horses, leather, and hay, but you've learned
not to say that because people look at you weird...

- You've called your horse your boyfriend/girlfriend or vice versa.
- Your friends are going to a party over the weekend, but you can't
make it because you have to go muck stalls and move sawdust with the

- You've spent calculus class explaining the barrel pattern to a
friend and making them draw it.

- You've asked instructors to write a letter of recommendation for
you-- because you're applying for a horse scholarship.

- You've asked an instructor if you could bring a horse to class for
your presentation (in my case... they said yes!).

- You've skipped class for a horse event.
- Your research papers are about horses.
- You've cited in a bibliography.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Used halter, pony included at no extra charge

Used purple pony halter - $600 (Belleville)

Date: 2010-09-16, 2:45PM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

I have a used bright purple pony halter for sale. Adjustable and in fairly good condition.

A pony will be included with the halter. I currently call this pony "Juicy" although he goes by many other names as well, depending on my mood and his behavior.

This pony is just waiting to become someone's little dream pony.

This 12.2 hand, 7 yr old pony is fantastic, if you are into the type of equine that is is constantly invading your space/vehicle, etc.

He believes he needs to be everywhere you need to be, especially when food is present.

He is in great shape, if you consider round a shape.

He never met a horse trailer he didn't like and climbs in them every chance he gets, whereupon he immediately puts his feet up on the manger so he can look out the window. He made it halfway in the back of my car the other day before I noticed and sped off.

He LOVES little kids, especially little kids with treats. He will eat them. (the kids, not the treats) Just kidding.

This pony has been worked over 2'6" jumps and lunged over 3'3" jumps. However, he likes jumping my 4 ft. pasture gates the best.

He could absolutely be someone (else's) dream pony.

He's very affectionate, both with people(especially women) and horses(especially mares). This little guy is the neighborhood gigolo. By affectionate, I mean he will have no issue invading your personal space/private parts, if you know what I mean. He sticks his nose wherever he wants. With mares, he is lucky he is quick because he will mount mares, even the ones who have "a headache." He is not at all discriminating, although I've noticed he likes the fuller figured gals. His absolute favorite is mounting a mare while a woman is on the mare. Ask my friend Lisa, I'm sure she considered that a good time.

And when rejected? You can see that he is clearly thinking that the female is merely playing hard to get. This just makes him more determined.

This porky little guy very much thinks that he's got what the ladies want, even if they don't know it yet. He reminds me of the little guy at the bar who hits on everybody, whom you practically have to blow an air horn in his face to get rid of.

This pony has been on television, which probably adds to his ego trip.

He could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else).

He walks/trots/canters/jumps, takes trips to the mailbox and to check the waters, goes trail riding, swims, poses on stripper poles(ask me), tests your trailer floor weight limits, tests your trailer emergency walk through doors, taste tests anything and everything, steals food from blind horses, tried to mount my dog(it is a big dog), stands tied patiently to the swing set while my son swings, loves to roll in the sand box, allows little kids to mount him from lawn chairs, buckets, swingsets, clubhouses, ladders, gates, side of the trailer and anywhere else, pulls little kids on sleds in the snow, tries to decapitate adults by running them under arena railings, and so much more.

Did I mention that he could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else)?

"Juicy" is also a fantastic workout companion. I think I've lost at least 15 lbs since I've had him. I've never run so much in my life, either after him or from him. Though his little flabby butt cheeks closely resemble two pigs fighting under a blanket, he got me in wonderful shape.

I firmly believe he's a dream pony (someone's else's dream, that is).

Call me if you want a used purple halter and are a glutton for punishment.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Those darn spunky ponys

Kudos for the kid sticking with this one, I was going to say I was amazed he never got caught in the stirrups, but then he did once. Wow if that were me as I child I would have given up! Those ponys put up with a lot but they sure know how and when to dish it back out!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Is there anything cuter...

than donkey baby ears!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Pony jousting

with pool noodles, what fun (and notice they are all wearing helmets), really makes me sad I didnt have a horse when I was younger.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

80's Flasback

wow does this bring me back, or does it date me :)

Monday, August 9, 2010

A Foal and his (big green) ball are soon parted

Diva doesnt get that into her big green ball but she is the captain of the nonexistant soccer team at the barn.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

From a Jockey's POV

not a funny but fun to watch!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

How to Worm a Horse:

1. Buy wormer paste.
2. Capture the wild beast -a.k.a- the horse.
3. Firmly grip lead rope in left/right hand (whichever you do not write with).
4. With your other hand insert wormer tube.
5. Pick yourself up off the ground and ask someone to hold your horse while you go to the emergency room to have your dislocated shoulder looked at.
6. Repeat steps 1-5, but duck this time as the back hooves somehow go flying past your head.
7. As your legs get twisted in the rope, try to stand up, only to have your legs pulled out from under you.
8. As soon as you spit out ALL the dirt you just ate, jump up and grab your horse.
9. Ponder why this is not working.
10. Repeat steps 1-5 and 6, but this time go home, change into a shirt that does not have apple- flavored wormer paste all over it and proceed to go to the feed store and buy another tube.
11. When you get back to the barn, see the manager's 10-year-old son walking over to you.
12. Let him take the worming tube from your hand, and watch in disbelief as he worms your horse without getting a single spot of the paste on himself, and there is no dirt on his face, and he's not in the emergency room.
13. Put your horse back in the barn and go home to your nice warm bed.

Monday, July 26, 2010

~Handy Euphemisms for Falling Off Your Horse~

1. Joining Airborne Equitation International (affectionately known as AAEEEEEEEEEI!).
2. I'm in a transitional relationship with my saddle.
3. Dirt for dessert.
4. High-fiving a nightcrawler.
5. Swan dive (water optional).
6. Spending a little quality time with gravity.
7. Checking your girth...from the bottom.
8. Doing the rootin' tootin', grass-scorching, scare-the-spectators boogie.
9. A quick trip to Dirtsville.
10. Trolling for paramedics.
11. Just seeing if the judge was paying attention.
12. A Richter-Scale-5 spot check of footing quality.
13. Insufficient flapping.
14. Studying impact craters at close range.
15. Spontaneous retrograde.
16. Pushing down daisies.
17. Turf surfing.
18. Incoming!!
19. A short step-over four feet south of Hermes, France.
20. Vulture baiting.

Friday, July 23, 2010


One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
Three to tell a funny story about their horses and a light bulb.
AND One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Memo to Horses:

--When your stall is being cleaned, please don't go through the wheelbarrow
& take out bits of wet, dirty hay. You have nice clean hay to eat & no matter
how precious that stuff is to you, it's got to go.

--No matter how entertaining it may be to a horse to knock over a full
wheelbarrow & then watch the resulting swearing & re-filling, it is NOT
considered entertainment by the human.

--Jumping out into the barn aisle over the wheelbarrow will NOT get
you an audition for the USET. I don't care how tightly you can fold your
knees, this is not the time or the place.

--It is not necessary to hide your manure so I have to sift through every
inch of bedding in search of buried treasure. You're not a cat & your stall is not
a giant litter box.

--By the same token, the water bucket is not a commode, and the automatic waterer
does not flush. Are we clear on that?

--The "lah-di-dah" attitude, "Drop it anywhere, I have a maid who comes in & takes
care of that," is not helpful.

--Neat freaks who manure only in one corner of the stall will get extra grooming
time & treats.

--There will be no more unauthorized barn parties after lights out.
When I come in, in the morning and find bleary-eyed horses, straw all
over the aisle, manure half-way up the walls and even the rats have hangovers,
do you think I don't know what went on last night?

Please take this memo to heart, or learn how to clean up your own rooms!

The Management

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Minister's speech

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.

When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dressage in the Year 2030

1. After changing the rules to allow riders to go topless, to increase spectator interest, dressage is now getting more television airtime than the AFL, cricket, tennis, swimming and golf combined.
2. After winning her 7th consecutive Olympics, Anky is now at the heart of controversy once again, this time for training her horses telepathically.
3. Average size of the typical Warmblood: 22.1 hands.
4. The new ruling regarding tack has determined the maximum thickness of knee roll padding allowed is 23 cm. However, a last minute convention decision has over ruled the ban on saddle seatbelts, effective immediately.
5. After decades of breeding for huge gaits, and with the average Warmblood standing 22.1 hands, the dressage arena dimensions have again been expanded and now measure 180 meters x 90 meters, mostly to allow room for the extended trot.
6. Only 6 qualified trainers remain in the entire world who are able to train a horse from start to Grand Prix themselves. In related news, the cost of a Grand Prix schoolmaster horse now averages $US18.2million.
7. The FEI rulebook for dressage is now 118,346 pages long. Specific guidelines are included for judging degrees of "behind the vertical" and a new ruling now requires that every competition must have at least two judges - one of whom is responsible only for judging the head position (see article 848,976.93 section C).
8. The halt has been removed from all dressage tests. Piaffe, passage and the extended trot now make up 76% of the Grand Prix marks.
9. Although competitors are now allowed to compete treeless, girthless, bitless (and now topless), the rules continue to require stirrups.
10. Petrol now averages $13.50 a litre, and no vehicle manufacturer has yet been able to produce a hybrid vehicle capable of hauling even one 22+ hand horse.
11. Scientists are busy trying to figure out how to ship semen via the Internet. In related news, it is rumored that a mare in England has given birth to a foal - naturally. Scientists are stumped.
12. The FEI is currently holding another emergency meeting to decide how to deal with cloning, after the fiasco at the last Olympics, where there were 3 Bonfires, 4 Gigolos, 4 Gifteds, 6 Rembrandts and 2 Salineros (including "the original" Salinero, still competing in his mid 30s, thanks to advances in veterinary medicine). In related news, the FEI is expected to rule this month on which Gigolo was really the bronze medal winner in 2028.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Cowboy chapstick

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Show jumping takes on a whole new meaning

Wow, who knew a set up jump cups could hold a mans weight!

Friday, July 16, 2010

The optimist vs the pessimist

 Worried that their 6 year old twin boys had developed extreme personalities -- one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist -- their parents took them to a psychiatrist. 

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. "What's the matter?" the psychiatrist asked, baffled. "Don't you want to play with any of the toys?" "Yes," the little boy bawled, "but if I did I'd only break them." 

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. "What do you think you're doing?" the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. "With all this manure," the little boy replied, beaming, "there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How not to impress your friends and family

So Diva hasnt been ridden in 4 weeks, no problem. I rode her bareback twice on the weekend, once without longeing first GASP! Those wild crazy Ayrabs, you cant do that! Eh, too hot and lazy to drag out a saddle, besides she wasnt 100% sound yet, 90% there. Didnt ride long, mostly walked, no problem.

So last night I have a friend out with me, a rare thing. We were chattin away but I wanted to get a bit of a ride in to see if shes getting better, and she is. Id say shes 99% there now. I know this because she galloped AWAY from me in the pasture instead of to me, little @$%^*. So I just do bareback with the halter and lead rope. Now, before I continue, let me just say that Diva is super duper slick and shiny this summer. She is naturally that way but shes extra that way this year, shes also extra FAT which may have something to do with it.

This was our last show and most of that is not show sheen, its au natural! (click for bigger photo for the full effect)
Let me also ad, in the 5 years I have had her I have never fallen off. You can see whats coming now yes? So I line her up with the mounting block and jump up. I just about have my leg over the other side when I start sliding on her slick coat. So I slide back down, missed the mounting block and land on my feet in the arena, no prob. I get on again and just make it over that time. So we walk, no prob, trot a bit, and actually did much better at the trot than on the weekend. I rode for maybe 15 minutes. So I am back up front, standing still, still chattin with the friend. Forgot already about her slipperiness and decided to do "around the world", which I have done with no problem MANY times on her. Sitting sideways, no prob, sitting backwards, no prob. I go to swing my leg around her currently ample tushy and my butt slides right off the side weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I am glad I just had a halter on her since I managed to grab hold of the lead somehow as I was goin down, mind you I'm completely backwards at this point. Would have hated to have pulled on her mouth! Landed on my own somewhat ample tush, Diva jumped around a bit then walked off with her butt facing me as if to say just how stupid are you! I gotta say that arena footing makes a pretty nice landing, I even had my 5 year old Razor flip phone in my back pocket, not a usual thing, only because my friend was meeting me there and I forgot to take it out before I got on. It survived as well. It didnt even hurt, I was more embarrassed but had a good laugh over it.

And IMO I still have not FALLEN off, I just slid off, I meant to do that, yeah:)

and I'm not even sore today! (well maybe just a little)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Happy long weekend!

and boy do I need it, Ive had to drive the 45+ minute drive to the barn everyday for the last week and the next 2 weeks as well. Darn mare got herself a case of scratches from hell and needs daily treatment for 3 weeks. ugh!

 So I havent had time or energy to post but heres a few independence day funnies for your weekend!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!" 

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry! 


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Monday, June 21, 2010

The geldings

I got this picture by sheer luck, its all the geldings in the back pasture. It so needed a caption!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Countryside breakdown

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car
sputtered to a complete stop near a pasture full of horses.
The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed
one of the horses looking at him.

"I believe it's your radiator," said the horse.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches!
He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A horse
just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms
franticaly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to
glance down the field. "The one with all the spots on it?" the
farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh. Well, that's Elmer," the farmer said, turning back to the man.
"Don't pay any attention to him. He doesn't know a thing about cars."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Creation of Man

God created the mule, and told him, 'You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'

The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so. 

Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.' 

And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so. 

God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.' 

And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so. 

Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. 

And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so. 

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then,in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren."

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A nun and her donkey

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race. But then she realized that they cost way too much, so instead, she bought a donkey.
The next day, she enters it into a contest and it comes in third.
The headlines read, ''Nun's Ass Chokes.''
The next day, she entered it in another competition and this time it came in first.
The headlines were, ''Nun's Ass Wins Grand Prize.''
The following day, the owner scratched the donkey from the race.
The headlines read, ''Booker Scratches Nun's Ass.''
And on the next day, the nun sold the donkey for a really cheap price.
The headlines were ''Nun Sells Her Ass for $5.''

(variation of Pastor's Ass :))

Monday, June 14, 2010

What do you call a donkey....

What do you call a donkey with one leg? A wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love? A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind? A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes? A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano? A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck? Bloody talented!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Busy busy

Horse show weekend, I will get back to posting once I recover :)

in the meantime, a goofy awesome pic from between classes :)

Friday, May 28, 2010

Memorial day weekend

Have a great and safe one! We will be sticking close to home, getting ready for a show next weekend!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Long (ears) Division

A Georgia farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

(ok I admit I had to read that one twice! Never did like word problems in HS algebra!)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Minister's Mule Problem

A minister went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the minister to the Health Department. They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When the minister called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor." The minister was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, he called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the minister. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the minister, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The minister paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The Lord led him to the words he was seeking, "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Key to domestic tranquility

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

Monday, May 24, 2010

Big eared Mule

There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense. They were told by their boss to put the mule in the barn.
When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the mule's ears were to long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk right on in the barn.

They began their job and the boss walked over to them and asked them why they were sawing out the top of the barn. When they told him the mule's ears were too long to go into the barn, the boss said:

"Why don't you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the mule could walk on in"

The two half smarts looked at each other and said "We told you his "ears" are too long, not his feet !

Friday, May 21, 2010

Pointer Mule

A car drives up to a farmer's house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. "A friend told me you have a mule that points quail", said the stranger, "is that true"?? "Sure is", said the farmer, "would you like to see him work?" The strangers said, "Sure". Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...the mule points...the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, "That's enough, I've got to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said the farmer. I'll give you $50,000.00 for him", said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmer's phone was the stranger. "What the hell's wrong with this damed mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is stand belly deep in my pond"!! "Well", said the farmer, "I guess I should'a told you......he'd rather fish than hunt."

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Farmer Johns Mule

Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John."After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."
The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Please tell him to simply answer the question."
The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, "Let's hear what he has to say. If he doesn't get around to answering your question, we'll deal with it after we find out about Bessie."
Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin' real bad and I couldn't even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Mule and the MIL

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly!
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A blonde and her 2 horses

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear
off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Goofy pix from this weekend!

Crazy wild AY-Rab isnt she!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Beet Pulp Safety Warning (aka the famous squirrel story)

I think most people have heard this one by now but it bears repeating! Enjoy....

People into equine nutrition are notorious for spending their time doing the oddest things. While everyone else has normal nightmares about finding themselves riding in the World stark naked past the press corps, nutrition people fret over whether their carefully thought-out recommendations will make the difference between Muffy the Superhorse winning his next competition in fame and glory, or falling into a dead faint somewhere between being saddled and the starting line. 

In the end, the finer points of nutrition often make zero difference, however, because you generally find out that: a) Muffy won't even touch your carefully crafted ration, much preferring to eat his bedding, the vet's fingers and anything from the Taco Bell menu; b) the moment you finish calculating the Perfect Equine Ration featuring Aunt Tilly's Super Horsey Yums Yums, the feed company goes out of business or is indicted on environmental pollution charges; c) it's all irrelevant, anyway, because the barn manager's favorite phrase is "Well, we've always fed this way and hardly ever lose a horse to colic", and steadfastly refuses to feed anything at all other than His Very Own Secret Recipe, featuring lawn clippings, glazed doughnuts and something that smells a lot like latex.

However, every now and then, you stumble across a feed that horses actually like (at least, after that initial suspicious, "You're trying to poison me, aren't you?" look), is wonderfully nutritious, cheap to feed and still Obscure and Mysterious enough that people feel like they're really on The Cutting Edge in feeding it to Muffy. Beet pulp is like that, and for a long time I thought the only disadvantage to it was the minor inconvenience of having to soak it before feeding. Some folks skip that part, but others revel in making sure everyone else in the barn knows just how conscientious and detail-minded they are about Muffy's nutritional well-being.
However, eventually I knew the true downside to beet pulp would show up, and thought it only fair that I pass it along...

This afternoon I decided to bring some beet pulp pellets into the house to soak, because I wanted to get an idea of exactly how much they expanded in volume during the soaking process. Academic types are like that, pathetically easy to amuse and desperately in need of professional help. I knew they expanded quite a bit, because the first time I'd innocently added water to a five-pound bucket of beet pulp, I'd come back later to find my feed room practically awash in beet pulp, providing a breakfast that every horse within a five mile radius still remembers with fond nostalgia. So in the interest of scientific curiosity, I trundled in a bucket, about three pounds of beet pulp, added in the water and set it in the living room to do its thing. No problem. Research in action.

Well, in our ongoing quest to turn this house into Noah's Ark, we have not only four horses, three dogs, four neurotic cats, a sulfur-crested cockatoo, a cockatiel and assorted toads, we also have William. William is a fox squirrel who absent-mindedly fell out of his tree as a blind and hairless baby two years ago and whom the vet promptly handed off to the only person he knew silly enough to traipse around with a baby squirrel and a bottle of Esbilac into her bookbag. Actually, the trick wasn't in keeping such a tiny creature warm, fed and clean---it was keeping a straight face and looking as mystified as everyone else when William woke up hungry and started pipping for his bottled like a very small, slightly muffled alarm clock.

Invariably, this usually occurred while I was standing in line at the post office, picking up a pizza for dinner or on one memorable occasion, taking a final exam in biochemistry. Being no dummy, William knew a sucker when he saw one and has happily been an Urban Squirrel ever since.
And for those of you that think A Squirrel's Place is In The Wild, don't think we didn't try that...his first Christmas, we thought we'd give him his first lesson in Being a Wild Squirrel by letting him play in the undecorated Christmas tree. His reaction was to shriek in horror, scoter frantically across the floor and go try to hide underneath the nearest border collie. Since then, the only way he will allow himself to be taken outside is hiding inside Mummy's shirt and peering suspiciously out at the sinister world.

So much for the re-make of Born Free in San Dimas. So secure is he about his place in the world that on more than one occasion, I've caught him sitting on his fat, smug little bottom, making faces out the window at our neighborhood (very frustrated) red-tailed hawk---like as not clutching a cashew in one paw and a bit of mango in the other.

Anyway, when I set out the bucket of beet pulp, I may have underestimated the lengths that a young and enthusiastic squirrel will go to to stash all available food items in new and unusual hiding spots. I thought letting William out of his cage as usual and giving him a handful of almonds to go happily cram under cushions and into sleeping dog's ears was sufficent entertainment for the afternoon. After all, when I left, he was gleefully chortling and gloating over his pile of treasure, making sure the cockatoo saw them so he could tell her I Have Almonds And You Don't. So much for blind optimism.

Apparently when the almond supply ran out, beet pulp pellets became fair game and I can only imagine the little rat finding that great big bucket and swooning with the possibilities of being able to hide away All That Food. The problem isn't quite so much that I now have three pounds of beet pulp pellets cleverly tucked away in every corner of my house, it's that as far as I can tell, the soaking-expanding-and-falling-apart process seems to be kinda like nuclear meltdown. Once the reaction gets started, no force on earth is going to stop it.
So when I come back from the grocery store, not only do I find an exhausted but incredibly Fulfilled squirrel sprawled out snoozing happily up on the cat tree, I find that my house smells a lot like a Jamaican feed mill and virtually every orifice is crammed full of beet pulp. This includes the bathroom sink drain, the fish tank filter, in my undie drawer, in the kitty box (much to their horror) and ALL the pockets of my bookbag. Not to mention that in enthusiastically stuffing beet pulp into the air holes of the little box that hold live crickets for the toad's dinner, William managed to open it up and free several hundred crickets into the living room. It's not that I mind crickets springing to and fro, it's just that it sounds a lot like an Evening in the Amazon Rain Forest in here. The cats, on the other hand have never had such a marvelous time steeple-chasing after stray crickets back and forth over the furniture, crunching up the spoils of the hunt (which wouldn't be so bad if they would just chew with their mouths closed), and sicking up the more indigestible parts onto the rug.

I simply can't WAIT to turn on the furnace and find out what toasting beet pulp smells like. The good news is that in case of siege, I have enough carbohydrates hidden in my walls and under the furniture to survive for years. The bad news is that as soon as I try to remove any of this stash, I get a hysterical squirrel clinging to my pant leg, tearfully shrieking that I'm ruining all his hard work and now he's going to starve this winter. (This is despite the fact that William is spoiled utterly rotten, knows how to open the macadamia nut can all by himself and has enough of a tummy to have earned him the unfortunate nickname Buddha Belly.)

So in case anyone was losing sleep wondering just how much final product you get after soaking three pounds of beet pulp, the answer is a living room full. I'd write this new data up and submit it as a case study paper to the nutrition and physiology society, but I suspect the practical applications may be limited.
Off to go empty the Shop-Vac. Again.

Susan Evans Garlinghouse 1997

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Stallion and the Hare

A Stallion and a Hare were arguing in front of a hollow tree when Genie popped out and said: "SHUT UP! You two are getting on my nerves. Tell you what- if you guys will stop arguing, and leave, I'll give you each three wishes." Stallion and Hare looked at each other, nodded their heads. Stallion said, "Sonds good to me, Genie- my first wish will be that all the other horses in my state were mares!" Hare looked at Stallion and shook his head, "Why would you wish that?" Stallion replied, "Because now I don't have any competition! I'll get all the ladies!" Hare huffed, "Yeah- until stallions come from another state." This made Stallion frown. Hare turned to Genie, "My first wish will be for a motorcycle!" Genie waved his hand- POOF- a hot motorcycle!!! Hare bounced for joy! Stallion now looks like he's come up with a plan. He says, "Genie, my second wish is that all the other horses on this continent be mares!" Genie waved his hand, then turned to Hare, "What is your second wish?" Hare said, "I'm goint to need a helmet to go with this motorcycle, so that's my second wish." Genie waved his hand. Now, Stallion felt like keeping the ball rolling, so, stomping his feet with excitement, he said, "Genie, my third wish is that all the other horses in the world were mares!" Genie shook his head in disgust, but nonetheless, waved his hand. Genie turned to Hare, who had hopped on his motorcycle, pulled down his helmet, and revved up the engine. "Well, Hare, what is your last wish?" Hare laughed- "Heck- I wish the stallion was gay!"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A TB racer's story

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Moms day to all the horsie Moms!

and other fur-kids too!

If you have an funny jokes, stories and videos you would like to share please email them to me!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Bad horse puns

I used to live next to a pair of horses, you know, when I lived in Canterbury. They were my neigh-bours. They were in a stable relationship. I wanted to move away from them, for one of them sang loudly and his voice was a bit hoarse. I fell at the first hurdle - I didn't have the money. I'm afraid I was saddled with them. My happiness was my mane priority. Hoof cared if he sang poorly? I didn't want to stirrup any trouble.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Show jumping, bunny style

The things you find when looking for funny horse videos on youtube, and the odd related things that come up:

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Puny Pony Express

Woody Woodpecker 1951

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

1933 Mickey Mouse

I love that Thunderbolt seems to have a belly button!

1947 Cartoon

Another oldie but goodie

of course all I could think of was "thats HEADLY Lamar" (yeah I just watched Blazing Saddles for the umpteenth time yesterday :) )

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Every little cowpoke's dream

1956 Cartoon. I sure miss the days of good saturday morning cartoons! (not that I was around when this one came out!)

Now why is it almost every one of my childhood/early adult horse dreams involved FINALLY getting a horse but then the second I swing my leg over the saddle said horse becomes a tiny pony that my feet drag the ground on, or some sort of inanimate toy horse! Of course now that I have a horse my horsie dreams usually consist of running late for a class at a horse show!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Hold Your Horses

One of my favorite books of horse humor! I especially like the page about the evolution of horse trailer ownership. Where you start out thinking the tiny old 2 horse straight load is all you need and you keep upgrading and getting a bigger rig until you have the biggest most luxurious model out there!

I'm in the lower end of that scale still. I have a very nice newer 2 horse slant bumper pull but yearn for a 2-3 horse gooseneck just in the last year, no living quarters. I just need to throw a mattress up there to sleep on. I wonder how long that would last before I need the LQ with appliances, heat/air, flat screen, shower, bumpout, awning and fireplace. Alas money and a truck thats a bit too small is keeping me grounded in reality.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Paint's dry!

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has started to paint his horse like a zebra. The cowboy yells, “Which one of you painted my horse?” A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, “I did.” The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, “Why, thank you - the first coat’s dry!”

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Bumper stickers for horses

HONK...if you wanna see me spook!!

"yeah, yeah, whatever..." This, for the horse who sleeps through shoeings.

"Impulsion is Vastly Over-rated" - A lazy pony

"If you can read this, you're about to be kicked in the face"

"Think Faster Human!" - for the really smart horse

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

"Turn signals are for amateurs." - unbroke 3 yr old.

"Choose Life: Stay Outta My Way!!!"

"You Name it, I Jump it!!!"

"Got Grain?"

Gentlemen chase foxes, not cows.

"Because I AM smarter, stupid!!!" - the donkey

"It's not trouble until I'm in the middle of it." - 4 month old colt.

I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?

can't jump today...the voices told me to stay home and clean my food dish.

"Caution: Gas pedal faulty"

"I see dead people." - for the overly skitish type.

Soundness is a state of mind

Monday, April 5, 2010


The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit.

Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.
As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.
She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering.
She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."
As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.
The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont."

Friday, April 2, 2010

Q and A

Q: What did the horse say when it fell?
A: I've fallen and I can't giddyup!

Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A: A neigh-bor!

Q: Why can't horses dance?
A: Because they have 2 left feet

Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag--it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.  The kick killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. 

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. 

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." 

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. 

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Courtest of the Kludge blog - awesome!

Derby horse

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy".
The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks"Were you talking to me"?
The horse replies"Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money 'cuz I can still run."
The jogger thought to himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer"Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field".
The farmer replies, "Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Help from above

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse`s back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:"All right, just half of you this time!"

Monday, March 29, 2010

Horse racing and religion

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest`s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I`ve lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That`s the problem with you Protestants... you can`t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."

Friday, March 26, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

New Year's Resolutions for Horses

  • I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
  • I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
  • I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
  • My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
  • I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
  • I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
  • I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
  • I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
  • I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
  • I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
  • I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
  • I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
  • I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
  • I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
  • I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
  • I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
  • I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
  • I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
  • I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
  • I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
  • I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
  • I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
  • I accept that not every carrot is for me.
  • I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
  • I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
  • I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
  • I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
  • I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
  • I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Reasons Riding is Better Than Sex

  • You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.
  • If you are having trouble with riding, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
  • The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.
  • If your trainer takes pictures or videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
  • Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've ridden.
  • It's perfectly respectable to ride a horse you've never met before, just once, or, ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or not.
  • When you see a really good horse, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining riding him.
  • If your regular horse isn't available, he/she won't object if you ride another horse.
  • Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.
  • When dealing with a riding trainer, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
  • You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy riding stuff.
  • You can have a riding calendar on your wall at the office, tell riding jokes and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for harassment.
  • There's no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.
  • If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel (but you might need a video tape).
  • You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of riding.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Say these things anywhere but at the stables and you may be in trouble!

  • He won't come into my hands.
  • There's nothing like having 17 hands between your legs.
  • I'm gonna get off now.
  • More leg less hand.
  • It was a great ride, but he's kinda sticky.
  • He needs a good 20 minute warm-up.
  • Relax your back, don't pinch with your knees ... go with the motion.... rock your pelvis......
  • When he gets excited he really foams up.
  • If he's not ridden 5 days a week he gets cranky.
  • I rode yesterday, but Suzy's riding him today.
  • Go ahead, ride him, you'll like it .... he'll be good for you and teach you quite a bit.
  • He can be ridden twice in one day.
  • Push!!!!
  • Go Go Go!!!
  • He's being a pig ... get his head up.
  • He bends to the left, but he's really stiff to the right.
  • He really over-reacts when I sit down into him.
  • Smack him if he refuses.
  • Clean it quick before he sucks it back in.
  • Is she a maiden?
  • Can I pat your Ass?
  • Has anyone seen my breast collar?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Horsemen (and women) Stereotypes

THE HUNTER RIDER: Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greeny-beige breeches and a baseball cap when schooling or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her 'tune' up the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until its going to put in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line.

THE DRESSAGE QUEEN: Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo. A $100 dollar custom jumper (also with breed logo) is worn over $300 dollar full-seat white breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse, 'Leistergeidelsprundheim' ('Fleistergeidel' for short) is a 17.3 hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was bred to be a Grand Prix JUMPER, but since he couldn't get out of his own way, they sold him to an American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage, and tremendous athleticism. She admires him mostly while lunging. She lunges him a lot, because she is not actually too keen to get up there and try to SIT that trot. When she rides, it's not for long, because (while he looks FINE to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as 'thorough' and 'supple' as he should be, and gets off to call the chiropractor/massage therapist/psychic, all of which is expensive, but he WILL be shown, and shown right after he perfects (fill in the blank). The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the stress of being beaten at Training 1 by a Quarter Horse.

THE EVENTER: Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot up at a 3-Day). The hunched defensive posture is reinforced by the anticipation of 'a long one' a ditch and a wall, and from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru, none of whom approve of the other) and pay trailers/stabling/living expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/J crowd is to afraid to go OUT of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related breed, don't have to deal with dressage judges). The hat cover on her cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for jumping into the in-field tailgating crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds: gallop and 'no gallop' (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over jumping into water, doing a head first 'tuck and roll' maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.
THE BACK YARD RIDER: Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in the summer; flannel nightgown, muck boots, and down jacket in the winter. Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse hasn't been off the farm in 6 years. Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, solo. Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took horse home to 'save money' and has spent about 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc. Has two topics of conversation - 1) How it's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And 2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.
THE NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE: Looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool. Levi's are well worn. 'Lightning' is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse. Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship way, he specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally broke horse, bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots. (With R.P. Randy's trademark logo embossed on them) R.P.R. says, of all this, 'Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!' 'It's simple horsemanship.' 'With this special twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin' like me in no time!'
THE ENDURANCE RIDER: Wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-rts she got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar Shazam, used to be called 'you' until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. Shazam can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360, and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on command. He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without his rider after performing his trademark 360. Over-heard frequently: 'Anyone have Advil?' 'Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies went bad. 'For this pain I spend money?' 'Shazam, you