Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Courtest of the Kludge blog - awesome!

Derby horse

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy".
The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks"Were you talking to me"?
The horse replies"Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money 'cuz I can still run."
The jogger thought to himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer"Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field".
The farmer replies, "Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Help from above

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse`s back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:"All right, just half of you this time!"

Monday, March 29, 2010

Horse racing and religion

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest`s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I`ve lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That`s the problem with you Protestants... you can`t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."

Friday, March 26, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

New Year's Resolutions for Horses

  • I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
  • I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
  • I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
  • My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
  • I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
  • I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
  • I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
  • I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
  • I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
  • I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
  • I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
  • I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
  • I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
  • I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
  • I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
  • I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
  • I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
  • I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
  • I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
  • I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
  • I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
  • I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
  • I accept that not every carrot is for me.
  • I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
  • I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
  • I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
  • I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
  • I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
  • I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Reasons Riding is Better Than Sex

  • You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.
  • If you are having trouble with riding, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
  • The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.
  • If your trainer takes pictures or videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
  • Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've ridden.
  • It's perfectly respectable to ride a horse you've never met before, just once, or, ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or not.
  • When you see a really good horse, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining riding him.
  • If your regular horse isn't available, he/she won't object if you ride another horse.
  • Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.
  • When dealing with a riding trainer, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
  • You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy riding stuff.
  • You can have a riding calendar on your wall at the office, tell riding jokes and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for harassment.
  • There's no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.
  • If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel (but you might need a video tape).
  • You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of riding.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Say these things anywhere but at the stables and you may be in trouble!

  • He won't come into my hands.
  • There's nothing like having 17 hands between your legs.
  • I'm gonna get off now.
  • More leg less hand.
  • It was a great ride, but he's kinda sticky.
  • He needs a good 20 minute warm-up.
  • Relax your back, don't pinch with your knees ... go with the motion.... rock your pelvis......
  • When he gets excited he really foams up.
  • If he's not ridden 5 days a week he gets cranky.
  • I rode yesterday, but Suzy's riding him today.
  • Go ahead, ride him, you'll like it .... he'll be good for you and teach you quite a bit.
  • He can be ridden twice in one day.
  • Push!!!!
  • Go Go Go!!!
  • He's being a pig ... get his head up.
  • He bends to the left, but he's really stiff to the right.
  • He really over-reacts when I sit down into him.
  • Smack him if he refuses.
  • Clean it quick before he sucks it back in.
  • Is she a maiden?
  • Can I pat your Ass?
  • Has anyone seen my breast collar?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Horsemen (and women) Stereotypes

THE HUNTER RIDER: Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greeny-beige breeches and a baseball cap when schooling or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her 'tune' up the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until its going to put in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line.

THE DRESSAGE QUEEN: Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo. A $100 dollar custom jumper (also with breed logo) is worn over $300 dollar full-seat white breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse, 'Leistergeidelsprundheim' ('Fleistergeidel' for short) is a 17.3 hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was bred to be a Grand Prix JUMPER, but since he couldn't get out of his own way, they sold him to an American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage, and tremendous athleticism. She admires him mostly while lunging. She lunges him a lot, because she is not actually too keen to get up there and try to SIT that trot. When she rides, it's not for long, because (while he looks FINE to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as 'thorough' and 'supple' as he should be, and gets off to call the chiropractor/massage therapist/psychic, all of which is expensive, but he WILL be shown, and shown right after he perfects (fill in the blank). The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the stress of being beaten at Training 1 by a Quarter Horse.

THE EVENTER: Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot up at a 3-Day). The hunched defensive posture is reinforced by the anticipation of 'a long one' a ditch and a wall, and from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru, none of whom approve of the other) and pay trailers/stabling/living expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/J crowd is to afraid to go OUT of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related breed, don't have to deal with dressage judges). The hat cover on her cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for jumping into the in-field tailgating crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds: gallop and 'no gallop' (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over jumping into water, doing a head first 'tuck and roll' maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.
THE BACK YARD RIDER: Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in the summer; flannel nightgown, muck boots, and down jacket in the winter. Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse hasn't been off the farm in 6 years. Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, solo. Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took horse home to 'save money' and has spent about 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc. Has two topics of conversation - 1) How it's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And 2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.
THE NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE: Looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool. Levi's are well worn. 'Lightning' is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse. Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship way, he specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally broke horse, bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots. (With R.P. Randy's trademark logo embossed on them) R.P.R. says, of all this, 'Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!' 'It's simple horsemanship.' 'With this special twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin' like me in no time!'
THE ENDURANCE RIDER: Wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-rts she got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar Shazam, used to be called 'you' until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. Shazam can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360, and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on command. He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without his rider after performing his trademark 360. Over-heard frequently: 'Anyone have Advil?' 'Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies went bad. 'For this pain I spend money?' 'Shazam, you

Saturday, March 20, 2010

On the first day of creation, God created the Horse.

On the second day, God created man to serve the Horse.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook the Horse when man was on his back.
On the fourth day, God created an honest day's work so that man could labor to pay for the keeping of the Horse.
On the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that Horse could eat and man could toil and clean up after the Horse.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse healthy and man broke.
On the seventh day, God rested and said "This is good. This will teach man humility. It will tire him out and keep him striving ever forward to meet the needs of the Horse."

Friday, March 19, 2010

Thinking of dating or marrying a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:

  • Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
  • Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
  • Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.
  • A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
  • Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
  • A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
  • Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
  • Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
  • Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
  • Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
  • A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
  • Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
  • A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
  • Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on tack, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
  • An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
  • Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
  • A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
  • Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
  • Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
  • Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Horse's View of Natural Horsemanship

Hello my name is Flicka and my Owner's a clinic junky. Yes, it's true. She went thru her mid life crisis and came to the sale barn and bought me.
I spent my whole life misbehaving and being passed from greenhorn to greenhorn till someone finally got smart and sent me to the sale barn.
I was seriously hoping to be picked up by one of those show horse fella's so I could live in a fancy barn and stand around and look pretty, but they told me my butt's too small, my heads too big, and the crest on my neck from a bout with grass founder (thanks to owner number 2) is not desirable, and in general I was just not that capable of looking pretty, so I went home with Phyllis instead.
She pets me and loves me, and in general I had a pretty good life at first. Then she heard about those guys who whisper to horses. Life has never been the same.
First there was Pat. At Pat's clinic Phyllis learned to twirl a big stick and chase me around a round pen till I was ringing wet with sweat.
Once I had quote "calmed down" (I was never really fired up in the first place till that guy came at me with the stick like an idiot) she began learning to ride me with no bridle. Talk about giving an old spoiled horse an opportunity to have some fun! Initially I went along with it. I'd lope around the pen real nice like, and everyone would oooh and cooo over my "natural horse" abilities.
Then, just when everyone had gathered around to watch, I would see the SCARIEST!! (tehehehe) Shadow in the history of scary shadows and switch directions and take off with my rider clinging terrified to my back. Every other horse on the place was envious of me because their owners would take them out back and beat them with that overpriced stick when no one was watching, but I knew my Phyllis would not.
Eventually Philly (as I like to call her) gave up on the whole natural horse idea when Pat tried to talk her into jumping me without a bridle over some barrels.
Off we went in search of another guru. In our search we found Monty. He threw a string at a horse and talked to the horse with winks and stares. I spent some time with his clinic horses. I saw the demonstration where an unbroken 2 year old became an overnight Reiner.
Later I talked to the 2 year old. He was actually 5 and had been doing this same routine for about 5 clinics now. The first time Phyllis broke out the string I again, went along with it. Well, until she got tired of me stopping and looking at her like she was stupid. When she went to get herself a glass of water and refer to that chapter in Monty's book, I grabbed the string and chewed it to pieces.
And this is how I got my Jolly ball!
Then there was the Indian fella with a name I can't pronounce. To get the full effect of his clinic Philly painted stuff on my body and put feathers in my hair. I looked like I was in a Costume class, but hey whatever floats your boat. I thought maybe at least with this guy we might get to play Indian pony games and have mock battles or something but no. More round pen work and gimmicks. This time there was a fire in the middle of the round pen and they danced around it while praying that I would become a good horse and always mind my owner. He only took her for a couple thousand pelts and a bottle of firewater.
There's been the Australian guy. Training with a Boomerang while he hopped around like a kangaroo and called me his mate... "Sorry fella, your cute and all but my mate has 4 legs. I Just don't' swing interspecies."
A horse psychic who told Phyllis my momma didn't lick me enough when I was born.
A guy who used his hands like ears to talk to me and of course the touchy feely lady.
I can't complain though I've got an owner who loves me and has devoted her time to trying to make me a better horse. I really should behave, really I should, but I think I am contributing to her youth by giving her a reason to take me to all these clinics. Maybe the next clinic will involve turning me out with the mustangs so I find my inner wild stallion.
Sincerely, Flicka

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In honor of St Pats day

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

Two Irish lads met at their local one weekend. They got to discussing the week’s events and Mick asked Paddy about his horse, who had fallen ill.
“Ah sure,” says Paddy, “the veterinarian came out this week and said we had to put him down.”
“That’s a shame,” said Mick, “and did he shoot him straight away?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “First he said we should dig a great big hole for the horse. It was then he got out the gun.”
“And did he shoot him in the hole?” asked Mick.
“No, no - he shot him in the head,” says Paddy.


A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Horseaholics Anonymous

I would like to welcome all of you to this month's online meeting of Horse-Aholics Anonymous.
  You may be sitting there thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help. It is not easy to realize that you are a horse-aholic, and even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to try to determine if you can be helped.
  • Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?
  • Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)
  • Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?
  • Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?
  • Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?
  • Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor leave in disgust?
  • Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
  • Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is 'State Line Tack'?
  • Do you often have barn boots on your front porch?
  • Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?
  • Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty syringe covers?
  • Do you worry about paying your monthly feed bill before you think of paying your electric bill?
  • When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and pity them if the answer is none?
  • Do you remember the name of a great-great-great grand sire when you can't remember your own Great grandfather's name?
  • Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?
  • Do you find non-horse people boring?
  • Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?
  • Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of horses?
  • Does you halter collection include more than four foal halters, all the same size?
  • Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?
If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and tell her "I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is OK."

If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous now... You will qualify eventually anyway.

If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable.
My advice to those who, like me, are incurable is as follows.....
Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and better horses, and it will never be dull.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Only horse people...

  • Believe in a 11th commandment: inside leg to outside rein.
  • Know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or neon Yellow.
  • Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stalls.
  • Know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.
  • Are banned from Laundromats.
  • Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.
  • Can magically lower their voices 5 octaves to bellow at a pawing horse.
  • Will end relationships over their hobby.
  • Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.
  • Insure their horses for more than their cars.
  • Know more about their horse's nutrition than their own.
  • Have Neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.
  • Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.
  • Have less wardrobe than their horse.
  • Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.   (and usually more fun!)
  • Know that mucking stalls is better than Zoloft any day.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Signs That Your Horse Show Is Rained Out

  • Fiona’s British Thoroughbred says, ‘"I swam the English Channel and, by jove, I can jump this course, too!’"
  • Marsha checked and she’s getting credits for her Marine Biology Course just for being here this weekend.
  • Suddenly the bookies are giving great odds on the entries named Swim Jim, Fin, and Australian Crawl.
  • There’s an enormous trout in Phil’s horse’s stall and it’s saying, ‘"How does it feel when I invade YOUR space????’"
  • Your friend who rides pure dressage has stopped teasing you about 'all that crazy jumping’ and is now razzing you about not riding for at least half an hour after meals.
  • Apparently, ponies float like corks. Draft-crosses do not.
  • Jill had to scratch because her Arabian ran away from home. He left a note: ‘"Found mildew in my ears. Can’t take it any more. Going home to the desert. Please understand that it’s me, not you.’"
  • As your coach discusses the stadium course with you, he stops saying things like, ‘"the Oxer going away from the in-gate’" and starts using directions such as ‘"upstream’" and ‘"downstream.’"
  • The Best Conditioned Horse Award went to the horse who could hold his breath underwater the longest.
  • The wash rack with the backed up drain is now the driest spot on the grounds.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Political Correctness & The Horse Community

The horse world is dreadfully guilty of political incorrectness. Citizens, we can fix this!
  • From now on, the rider who came in 128th out of 127 competitors isn’t a major loser; he’s ribbon-deprived.
  • We’ll refer to awful jumpers as potential dressage horses and horrid dressage horses will be called event prospects (oh, wait, we’ve been doing that for years anyway).
  • Prominent horsepeople who go to jail for tax evasion are, um, ethically challenged.
  • Judges who make stupid decisions are myopically magnificent.
  • A twitch is a lip tourniquet.
  • Instructors, refrain from telling any student that she has a bad seat. Instead, tell this rider that she has astronomical potential for butt improvement.
  • A horse that always crashes through the jumps is merely in touch with his personal sense of gravity. Likewise, a bad mover isn’t an eggbeater with legs --- he’s kinetically challenged.
  • A horse who won’t go forward is a whoa-overachiever.
  • Waterlogged showgrounds are humidity super-enriched.

Friday, March 12, 2010

New Horse Reality TV shows:

Joanne Millionaire: Rich young women are first introduced to the exciting world of horses. They become completely hooked on the finest purebreds, the best trainers, fabulous stabling and expert instruction. In the last episode...they discover they're penniless.

Survivor - the Endurance Ride: Ten elite show riders leave their oak tack trunks, their minimum wage grooms, their canopies and gooseneck living quarters behind to spend 2 days in Death Valley. They have to perform heinous acts such as cleaning their own tack, grooming and caring for their own horse, and getting along with other riders. As we sit back and watch riders succumb to torture, the strongest break away from camp to search for cell phone, golf cart and running water.

American Show Idol: Thousands of equestrians must audition in front of exacting judges who pick apart their ride using colorful evaluations such as "try tennis!" and "clucking to your horse makes you sound like a chicken." George Morris guest stars.

I'm a Dressage Queen, Get Me out of Here: A Prix St. Georges rider and her Hanoverian stallion are shipped to a working cattle ranch. In Episode 3, s he ruins her full seat Eurostar breeches while closing the cattle gate. Unable to ride until her new attire is shipped, the local wrangler round pens her horse and starts roping off his back.

Matched by America: Contestants who are tired of looking for Mr. or Ms. Equine Perfection allow the studio audience to vote on which horse is truly the best partner for them. Tossing breed and color preferences to the wind, contestants discover that: 1) a good horse can be any size, age, color; 2) when you find the right match, there can be happy endings! for more.

And a new sitcom: Studs in the City: Two young, hip, good-looking round pen trainers share a New York apartment as they learn about life, work, & love in the city. In the pilot episode, Patrick gets arrested after slapping his chaps at a girl who won't turn & face him (she turns out to be an undercover cop), and Roger ends up in the emergency room after trying to round-pen his new girlfriend's Siamese cat.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Horseback surprise!

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Wierd sounds horses make!

especially when the are bored, more youtube fun!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Talking horses

There are a bunch of youtube Videos about "talking" or "singing" horses. Many are lame but heres a few worth posting

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Two of a kind

Today I realized its coming up on the 4 year anniversary of my paint geldings untimely death at 7 years and 1 week old. Hard to believe its already been 4 years.

The photo in the title bar is him, rolling on a summer day after a bath (of course). These are 2 other pix I took that day that I always thought were funny. In the photos is his buddy an Arab gelding. They kept mirroring each others poses as they grazed.

Note the identical tail swish, I was just a tad late and the arab put his head up quick!

and the one headed two bodied mutant!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Heaven & Horses

A man was riding his horse along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered the wreck, and that the horse had been in the wreck also. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, the stone wall was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. Standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the horse walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough he called out:
"Excuse me, where are we?"
This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my horse come in too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept horses."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long ride, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road that led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the horse.
"There's a trough and a cup at the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump. The traveler pumped fresh water into the trough then took a long drink himself. When they were full, he and the horse walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said, "the man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their horses behind."

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Small Hints for the Horseman

Don't ever buy a horse expecting it to be your last one.
Don't buy a horse from anyone who keeps telling you how honest they are.
An honest horse trader is one who says: "He's cheap, but he's worth it."
No matter how much you love a car or boat, it will never love you back.
The most valuable horse in your barn isn't the one that cost the most, but the one you love the most
You may never find a horse that has everything you want, but you'll find a lot that don't have everything you don't.
When you go to look for a horse for sale, don't drive your Mercedes.
It's almost impossible to visit a tack shop without buying something.
There are many horses who are loved more by the heart then by the eye.
People who have horses often live a long time without getting old.
Treat all of your horses as if they all cost $100,000.
When someone asks you if you think their new horse is wonderful just reply yes.
When you ALMOST fall off, get kicked or have a piece of your tack break, its often better than all the advice in the world.
You'll learn more about riding by getting on different horses than from reading all the "how to" books in existence.
A dime is still good for something - you can tighten the latch on your trailer with one.
Telling a child how wonderfully they ride might make them feel good, but it will never teach them anything.
Your true test of patience will come when everyone has gone home and your horse won't load the trailer.
Nothing brings a prayer to your lips more quickly than racing down a steep hill with a wide ditch at the bottom.
If you keep searching for the perfect horse, you will be searching for a long time.
A good test of your character is how you treat your horse when no one is around.
Not even the finest instructor in the world can guarantee you'll know everything about riding after a year's worth of lessons. Or 10 years. Or 100 years.
It's grand to be a better rider than other people - just don't keep telling them.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I Wish I Were A Broodmare

A group of scientists sat around one morning having coffee and came up with the conclusion that humans are the intelligent species... that homo sapiens are far superior in brain power to all of the world's other creatures. My unscientific brain got to thinking about this.
About how the world could or would be if we acted and thought more like horses.
This is what I came up with:

  1. That we (mares) should sit at the kitchen table when our new breed magazines came and pick out our men (stallions). These stallions would only be the best that were allowed to reproduce: Good Looking, Intelligent, Athletic, Healthy and Excel in a discipline. And, we could pick out a different stallion every year without earning a bad reputation.
  2. That we should be allowed to roam around all day and eat (graze), nap, enjoy the outdoors, and socialize with our buddies as pretty pasture ornaments with all our needs taken care of by someone else.
  3. That "fat" would be considered a desirable asset & prove that we are "easy keepers."
  4. That we should be waited on, our rooms cleaned for us & an "all you can eat" buffet before us every day.
  5. That we should get new shoes or a pedicure every 5 to 6 weeks & get our hair done daily.
  6. That we should be chauffeured around when we need to go somewhere in an expensive vehicle designed just for us...oh, and with food in front of us while we travel.
  7. That once our babies are weaned, they can't move back home.
  8. That we should have better clothes, grooming supplies, living conditions and medical care than the people who take care of us.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Redneck foal blanket


better than nothing!

Monday, March 1, 2010

City Folks

An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend exclaimed, impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."