~Handy Euphemisms for Falling Off Your Horse~

1. Joining Airborne Equitation International (affectionately known as AAEEEEEEEEEI!).
2. I'm in a transitional relationship with my saddle.
3. Dirt for dessert.
4. High-fiving a nightcrawler.
5. Swan dive (water optional).
6. Spending a little quality time with gravity.
7. Checking your girth...from the bottom.
8. Doing the rootin' tootin', grass-scorching, scare-the-spectators boogie.
9. A quick trip to Dirtsville.
10. Trolling for paramedics.
11. Just seeing if the judge was paying attention.
12. A Richter-Scale-5 spot check of footing quality.
13. Insufficient flapping.
14. Studying impact craters at close range.
15. Spontaneous retrograde.
16. Pushing down daisies.
17. Turf surfing.
18. Incoming!!
19. A short step-over four feet south of Hermes, France.
20. Vulture baiting.

Help from above

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse`s back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:"All right, just half of you this time!"

Horseback surprise!

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

How many RIDERS does it take to change a light bulb

Endurance Rider: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse / respiration / hydration levels to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb.



Dressage Queen: Me? Change a light bulb?  Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!


Classical Dressage Queen: These things can not be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true
self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of  classical light bulb changing.


Eventer Hmm, as soon as my arm is out of this sling, broken after falling off at that large stone wall (whilst riding Hell bent For Leather cross- country) I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway.

Show Jumper: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my ass. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded.


Natural Horseman You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video available for $99.99 on my Website).  Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.99 each, for extra $49.99 you get video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.   

Your other right!

Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong. 

 

Deadly Adventures on horseback

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not get any worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and loosing consciousness, the Wal-mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank God for heroes. -- Anonymous




(hey, at least it wasnt the BLONDE version of the joke :) )