Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dressage/Reining showdown at the OK...arena

I just love this, I have gone back and watched it several times since I added it to my favs. The coolest part is when they switch mounts.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Horse Hair: Potentially Dangerous!

In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses.This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii" has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:


Reluctance to cook

Reluctance to perform housework

Reluctance to wear anything but boots

Reluctance to work except in support of a horse



Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)



Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.



This has been a public service announcement.


HL in: not that I would want to do housework, cooking or working even if I didnt have a horse! But I do wear my Ariats EVERYWHERE,  all the time!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Horses and their dogs

courtesy of loldogs...

dog

funny pictures of dogs with captions

funny pictures of dogs with captions

Monday, December 28, 2009

Fun bridleless dressage

Not humor but fun and amazing video I came across and had to post....

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A champion jockey on a new horse

 A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Horses and snow

For all the snow you have or are about to get nailed with, heres a cute video of horses thoroughly enjoying it, even tho we dont!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Sheath cleaning song

This is a classic! Kinda glad I dont have a gelding anymore tho.



Sing it to the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father" from camp song



The Sheath Cleaning Song



How's it hangin'?

So much cleaner.

Aren't you glad I

washed your wiener?


I'll admit it's

kinda creepy

that I had to stick my arm up in your pee-pee.

It was sticky.

It was gunky.

It felt icky.

It smelled funky.

It was cruddy,

it was crusty--

when you stuck it out, it creaked like it was rusty.


After half an

hour of toilin'

and of squirtin'

baby oil in,

you're as fresh there

as a daisy.

Either this means I love you or else I'm crazy!!!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

SAVE GAS - RIDE A HORSE!

HONEST HARRY'S NEW & USED HORSES

I can save you money on gas!

Alright folks, step right up! You don't want to pay $4.69 for gas, no problem, I have the perfect vehicle for you. Needs no gas, no oil, or even a battery, just a little grass and water will do these animals fine. Now everyone has different needs, so choose from the following models:

1. Trail Horse - Your average run around town animal. Has the energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best way to go, big enough to carry the normal sized American.

2. The Arabian - perfect for those who travel long distances in a day and try to multi task while driving. Although the Arabian may not go to your home or office with out specific instruction, it WILL go somewhere.

3. The Draft - Calling all soccer moms. This big guy can carry the whole team, their gear and snacks. Just like the big machines, this guy will require more fuel, and his shoes will be more expensive than the compact model.

4. The Western Pleasure - The right car for the high end white collar workers. This animal works harder and requires more special knowledge so only the best can figure this out. Be sure to take your cell phone. You won't be stuck in traffic, you just won't be getting anywhere fast.

5. The Parelli - Salesmen, stay at home moms, and high school kids will all enjoy this dream. You can load him down with flapping Wal-mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse won't fit, and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes.

6. The Ranch - The most dependable animal available. He will go where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate. You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass.

Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay, black) Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino) and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available (overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard).

No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

What not to say to a Farrier

If you will just give each of the dogs a piece of hoof they will get
out from under the horse and quit fighting.

As much as you charge, I should get to use that truck too.

If you get that done in 30 minutes, you'll be making $160. per hour.

That's not the way they did it on that horseshoeing show.

I see who makes all the money in horses - farriers!

My last farrier couldn't finish - they gave me your name and number.

You don't mind if I feed the other horses, do you?

Are you sure you have them on the correct foot?

If he didn't kick like that, I'd trim him myself.

Would you mind trimming my new BLM mustang?

Can we shoe him in the arena? If he rears in the barn, he hits his head.

You sure earned your money on that one!

I forgot you were coming; I just turned all the horses out.

Can you make it after six, or on Sunday, I have to work.

I just cannot believe that he bit you.

I read all about the Natural Way to trim on the internet, and you're supposed to...

Did that hurt?

I know that he is difficult to shoe, but he is so good on the trails.

It doesn't look like he's leaning from here.

Good morning - glad you're here - can we reschedule? I have a lot going on today.

It's so cool that he can balance on just two feet.

Can you shoe him so that he doesn't paw?

Don't tell my husband that I used the grocery money.

Most times when he kicks, he misses!

Just do the hinds - I'll do the fronts.

I left the checkbook in the car, and my wife/husband just left - can you bill me?

I'm sure glad you don't mind working on muddy feet.

Does it mean my horses have some sort of deficiency when they chew

the paint off your truck like that?

This horse does forge, also interferes, and sometimes hits his knees....

we need to keep the price down on this bill.

I got a bargain on these shoes at a rummage sale, could you use them instead and save me some money?

Oops! Wrong horse.

I know I said just a trim, but can we shoe 'em as well?

My weanling colt needs a trim, and I figured you could halter break him at the same time.

I've got a new horse whose feet are in pretty bad shape. The

previous owners said their farrier wouldn't work on him.

I know it's been a long day for you; that's why I saved the worst one for last.

If my other farrier's ribs weren't broken, he'd be able to get shoes on this horse.

It's a good thing you're slow today, or he'd have had shoes on when he kicked your truck.

My grandpa used to shoe horses like you, only he used a sledge and a corn knife.

I don't understand why the shoes didn't stay on. I just had them done 12weeks ago.

Friday, December 18, 2009

If horses could talk

Fellow boarder made this a few years ago and allowed me to feature here....

Thursday, December 17, 2009

ADORABLE Fjord playing with ball

Fjords are so cyute already but watching this guy have a ball (he he) made me smile!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Call for submissions

Any one out there have a great horse joke/funny story/picture, whatever! Click on my profile and email it to me!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Funny horse race names

another youtube classic, bad language warning...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Singing horses funny

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

Click on each horse. Make sure your sound is on. Re-click on any horse to make it turn off or turn it back on again. Try clicking on the horses from left to right then right to left then just one or two at a time... It's fun and a good stress reliever. Have fun!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Special kind of horse

A city dweller came to a farm and saw a beautiful horse. He decided he had to have the animal. He bargained with the farmer and the farmer finially sold him the horse. The city man jumped on the horse and said, "Giddyup!" The horse didn't budge. The farmer explained, "This is a special kind of horse. He'll only move if you say, 'Praise the Lord.' To stop him, you have to say, 'Amen.'" Keeping this in mind, the new owner yelled, "Praise the Lord!" whereupon the horse took off with great speed. Soon horse and rider were headed for a cliff. Just in time the rider remembered to say "Amen!" The horse came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, the rider raised his eyes to heaven and exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!"

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Horse dictionary

A BIT - What you have left in your wallet after you've been to your favorite tack shop.

COLIC - Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse show food stands

EASY RIDER - Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able"

EASY TO CATCH - In a 10 x 10 stall

EASY TO LOAD - Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with a front-end loader.

FEED - Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

FENCE - Decorative structure built to provide your horse with hours of chewing pleasure.

GALLOP - Customary gait a horse uses when returning to the barn.

HIVES - What you get when you receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs and 4 cats.

HOBBLE - Gait of a horse owner after being stepped on by their horse

HOCK - Financial condition of all horse owners

JUMP - What your horse refuses to do in the show ring, but readily does at the pasture fence.

LIGHT CRIBBER - We can't afford to build any more fencing or box stalls for this buzzsaw on four legs

LIGHT MOUTH - Haven't actually gotten a bit in his mouth yet.

LUNGING - Popular training method whereby the horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy.

NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER - Race jockeys or rodeo cowboys would be ideal candidates

NICELY STARTED - Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.

PINTO - Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horse left unattended for 2 minutes.

RASP - Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from one's knuckles

SPIRITED - If you're not careful, he'll put you in the spirit world.

STARTED UNDER SADDLE - No one's actually been fool enough to sit in the saddle yet, but...

SURE FOOTED - Every kick he's aimed has found its target

WILLING ATTITUDE - After one ride, you'll think about drawing up your will

Tuesday, December 8, 2009



So cute, and well done!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Monday morning deep thoughts

"If the world was truly a rational place, men would ride sidesaddle."
Rita Mae Brown

"I never play horseshoes 'cause Mother taught us not to throw our clothes around."
Mr. Ed (The "Talking Horse" of the 1960's TV Series)

"I ride horses because it's the only sport where I can exercise while sitting down."
Joan Hansen

"Riding: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground."
Anonymous

"Look, Mommy,he's wearing bell-bottoms!"
A small child's reaction to seeing a Clydesdale's fetlock "feathers"

"People on horses look better than they are. People in cars look worse than they are."
Marya Manners

"Want to end up with a million bucks in the horse business? Start out with 5 million."
Anonymous

"How do you catch a loose horse? Make a noise like a carrot."
British Cavalry Joke

"You can lead a horse to water, but if you can teach him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something."
Joe E. Lewis

""I've spent most of my life riding horses. The rest I've just wasted."
Anonymous

"Horses do think. Not very deeply, perhaps, but enough to get you into a lot of trouble."
Patricia Jacobson & Marcia Hayes, A Horse Around the House

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Free Credit report commercials spoof

Colic is no laughing matter, but these are pretty good...until the last one anyway.

Letter from your horse

A LETTER FROM YOUR HORSE (ORIGINAL VERSION)
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.

And now, the REAL DEAL.....
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster & harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember? I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs. Of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600lbs.of grain that need to be unloaded?
When you are feeling financially secure,let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you want to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.

Sincerely,
Your Horse

Friday, December 4, 2009

More Instructions

How do you . . .
- To induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
- To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
- To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
- To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
- To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
- To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
- To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
- To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
- To get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch?
Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
- To induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
- To make it rain? Mow a field of hay.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A short trail riding story.

On a recent trail ride there were 2 incidents that made me laugh. First we were riding along on the horse path and a couple with a young girl on the walking path stopped to admire the horses, which already makes one smile. Then as we were just past them the little girl says "hey why arent you 2 wearing helmets!", and yes 2 out of 3 of us were not. It was so cute, I couldnt help but laugh.

Then back at the trailer parking lot after the ride, 2 vehicles full of teenage boys kept racing in and out and driving irratically. It was a quiet colder day so they figured the park would be empty I bet. We had seen the park police twice already that day, but where were they now! Well as we were leaving, the cop had one of the vehicles caught as he sped out the in road and was getting his license. It totally made my day. I just wish the other car would have still been around too.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Horse Hair Dangerous to Females!

In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses. This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii", has been linked with the following symptoms in human females:

*reluctance to cook
*reluctance to perform housework
*reluctance to wear anything but boots
*reluctance to work except in support of a horse
*physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)


Beware! If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.

This was a public service announcement...

Surgeon General's Warning: Horses are expensive, addictive, and may impair the ability to use common sense.

Should add to the above list:
*emotional craving to buy ridiculously expensive equine supplements, blankets, and leather goods

Saturday, November 28, 2009

To become a better equestrian

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your pocket or purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4.Practice dialing your vet number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, dragged, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money

Friday, November 27, 2009

Well Known Facts for Horse Owners!!

1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer
before hauling, your truck will break down.
2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall
off.
4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat
the most, require shoes every four weeks and
need the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct
proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you
hate cannot be destroyed;
horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive
you.
7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the
horse is half finished.
Clipper motors will quit only when you have the
horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in
the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate,
you didn't.
9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in
your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is advertised "under $5,000," you
can bet he isn't $2,500.
13. The number of horses you own increases
according to the number of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with
enough schooling.
15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
16. Hoof picks migrate.
17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion
to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of
your most recent injury.
20. If you're winning, quit.
21. The only time your horse blows its nose is
when you have a white shirt on.
22. The hugeness of your barrel racing mistakes is
in direct proportion to the hugeness of the entry fee.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

Twas the night of thanksgiving,
but i just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation
with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
Gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious.
May your pies take the prize,
may your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!!

Happy thanksgiving to all

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Classic YouTube: men doing dressage

One of my all time favorites:

Monday, November 23, 2009

New trainer!

Riding high on the success of such books as "You're My Mare Not My Mother" and "Denial Ain't What Keeps The Horseshoe On," Pamela Wilsby-Higgins is holding clinics across the country to promote her latest book and infomercials "From A Whisper To A Scream: When Your Horse Can't Hear You."

The plucky blonde, so progressive in her methods of equine communication she's called "The Woman Who E-Mails to Horses," is the first woman to receive national attention in the growing field of touchy-feely horse training.

Although successful, Pamela has been criticized for her unorthodox techniques and is the first to admit she's not a traditional horse trainer.

"Training is such a worn out concept, even the word 'train' is archaic, it comes from the Old French trahiner, to drag. And that's just what training is, a BIG DRAG!

"What I'm interested in is communicating with problem horses, letting them know they're not alone. Since I too have issues with trust and a history of abusive, dysfunctional relationships, I understand what they're going through.

I can also relate to frustrated riders. As I wrote in 'You're My Mare Not My Mother,' at one point a guilt-tripping gelding shamed me into believing if I were a prettier, thinner, smarter person I wouldn't be having riding problems.

"My goal is to facilitate people away from the 'Self-Centered' riding made popular in the 1980s to a more 'Co-Dependant' riding where the horse and rider work closely to deepen their relationship and become enmeshed in the riding experience."

In defense of reports that her clinics are among the most expensive in this new industry, Pamela is unapologetic. "You get what you pay for. Horses are individuals and it takes time to discover what form of communication works best for them. Whispering to horses is fine, but some respond better to murmuring or babbling, while still others prefer mime or slide shows. I have found when working with a herd, semaphore is the most effective."

Pamela further points out that not all bad horse behavior is the result of a negative breaking experience. "Horses are very sensitive and can have a variety of problems, both emotional and paranormal. They can suffer from depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, even repressed memories. Most people are unaware of the large number of horses who are survivors of alien abduction. I have found that repressed memories of such abductions are the primary cause of trailering difficulties. There are also horses unfairly labeled 'spooky,' when their behavior is actually an appropriate response to poltergeist activity."

Pamela's symposiums cover a wide range of topics, such as: Reimprinting the Inner Foal, Obsessive/Compulsive Dressage, Gymkhanta? Andalusions of Grandeur, Bi-Polar Bending, A.D.D. in Arabians, Fear of Flying Lead Changes, and Feeling Suicidal? Consider Eventing.

When not on tour, Pamela offers weekend retreats at Passing Wind, her Malibu, California Ranch, that focus on specific breeds and riding disciplines. She will also customize sessions to meet a client's particular needs and budget.

"Once we even re-birthed a Tennessee Walker to help her face her 'Water issues.' It was exhilarating and only 3 or 4 people were injured." Pamela was unable to comment further on this event as the matter is still in litigation.

Pamela began developing her techniques under the tutelage of GoWaan PoOLmiFynGer, the charismatic shaman of the Diamond-Phillips tribe and author of the ground breaking book, "Horse Buck Hard."

"The whole monosyllabism of Horse Buck Hard overwhelmed me with its Zen. I knew instantly I had to study with him."

GoWaan PoOLmiFynGer introduced Pamela to his tribe's ancient practices of Equine-Aromatherapy, Prance-Channeling, Stall Feng Shui, Public Relations and Marketing.

"GoWaan taught me so much. Not only did I learn how frequently riders with dysfunctional personal lives project unresolved emotional issues onto their horses, but the outrageous amounts of money they are willing to pay to be told it isn't their fault."

Pamela went on to become GoWaan PoOLmiFynGer's assistant when he toured to promote his calendar and video, Buckskin, Beads and Beefcake. "It was a great gig," she reflects, "but I knew it wouldn't last, when I noticed most of the women attending his sold-out clinics didn't have horses."

She next traveled to the Australian outback, where she studied with acclaimed Snowy River Kanguru Bruce Fosters, whose masterwork, "The Principles Of

Bonding- From Brumbies to The Boardroom," has become an integral part of the executive training programs of many multinational corporations. "Bruce is an incredible visionary. He was the first person to theorize that a rearing horse is really just asking for a hug!"

Since starting her own clinics, Pamela has emphasized the differences between her methods and those of her contemporaries, but she does admit to performing the crowd pleasing, ubiquitous get-an-unstarted-horse-to-accept-a saddle, bit, bridle and rider-without-breaking-its-spirit-in-under-an hour demonstration.

"Of course, since I'm using the techniques I've developed, my version is different from what people have come to expect after seeing other clinicians.

For example, I find using a pyramid-shaped pen, instead of a round pen, brings more energy to the session. I also use indirect lighting, scented candles and soft music. I start by having a few glasses of wine with the horse, then begin to recount my earliest childhood memories of separation and abandonment, while lunging the horse at a trot. After several minutes of this, usually at the point in my litany of victimization where my abusive second husband leaves me for my farrier, the horse will begin to go through a visible change.

While still at a trot, it will start shaking its head and trying to cover its ears. This is the moment I call 'The Throw Up.' The Throw Up is the point a horse reaches when it can't stand listening to my problems any more and will do anything to get me to stop, including being saddled, bridled and ridden for the first time. "People think it's magic when they see how willing the horse becomes once I shut up and start saddling, but there's nothing mysterious about it. I just have a very annoying voice and more issues than T.V. Guide."

Future goals for Pamela include developing a web site, and a 900 number. "I envision a network where for only 99 cents per minute, riders can speak to their own Psychic Tele-Trainer, that I've personally educated. I also plan to explore the financial aspects of communicating with other animal species. I'm willing to discourse with dogs or chat with cats. I'll even vocalize with vermin if there's money in it."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

How Many Horses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

How Many Horses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Thoroughbred: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!

Arabian: I changed it an hour ago. C'mon you guys - catch up!

Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.

Standardbred: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the darn bulb and let's be done
with it.

Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it
anymore.

Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane.

Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.

Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone
realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are
bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing light bulbs. Make the
TB get back here and do it.

Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know
how, really I do! Just watch! I'll rewire the barn after, too.

Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the light
bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that darn Morgan stop
jumping up and down before I double barrel him.

Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?

Mustang: Light bulb? Who needs a light bulb? Let's go on a trail ride,
instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.

Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only that, but
I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose,
after which I will perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can
you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.

Miniature: I bet you think I can't do it just cause I'm small. You know what
that is? It's sizeism!

Akhal Teke: I will only change it if it's my owner's light bulb and no one
else has ever touched it.

Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my personal
groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only on
the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or green bulb, which
reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits.

Cleveland Bay: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.

Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please get the light bulb away
from me! I'm ready to show, really, I promise I'll win!

Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my
owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse.

POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked the old one and broke it in
the first place, remember? Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.

Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and
changed it while you were all arguing.

Brood Mare: Oh my god, it's light in here, it's supposed to be dark at this
time in December, shit, now I'm in heat again.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
The pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
Rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
The next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
She sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion
Can bring you much grief and misery . .
Even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
And live longer!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Equine High School Cliques

Quarter Horses/Paint Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts....yeah, jocks allright!

Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'.
Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.

Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.

Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)

Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow....gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.

Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humour, and the
world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub,
entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.

Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes,
daring anyone to cross their path.

Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.

Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP
them?

Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).

Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.

Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.

Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Your daily dose of horse humor...starts now

THE AMAZING NEW DRESSAGE TEST

For Horses Unsuitable to Become Anything :)

A Enter at ordinary serpentine.
X Sprawl. Salute
C Stop dead. Stare in horror at judge and shy to left, Continue at ordinary working gallop.
E Stagger left 20 or 15 or 22 metres in diameter circle or pear shape or five pointed star. Avoid excessive crossing of legs
K Begin to halt.
Z Keep trying.
F You can do it.
B Pulley rein. Give up. Continue at out of hand gallop
H Regain right stirrup. Continue at ordinary trot, bouncing
MKT Change rein. Free walk loose rein. Remove horse from Judge's luncheon table. Ask judge for leg up.
Jump back into ring
Z Turn down centre line.
Halt. Grin. Scratch. Burst into tears. Leave arena on long reins, loose language.