Sunday, November 29, 2009

Horse Hair Dangerous to Females!

In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses. This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii", has been linked with the following symptoms in human females:

*reluctance to cook
*reluctance to perform housework
*reluctance to wear anything but boots
*reluctance to work except in support of a horse
*physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)


Beware! If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.

This was a public service announcement...

Surgeon General's Warning: Horses are expensive, addictive, and may impair the ability to use common sense.

Should add to the above list:
*emotional craving to buy ridiculously expensive equine supplements, blankets, and leather goods

Saturday, November 28, 2009

To become a better equestrian

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your pocket or purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4.Practice dialing your vet number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, dragged, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money

Friday, November 27, 2009

Well Known Facts for Horse Owners!!

1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer
before hauling, your truck will break down.
2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall
off.
4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat
the most, require shoes every four weeks and
need the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct
proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you
hate cannot be destroyed;
horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive
you.
7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the
horse is half finished.
Clipper motors will quit only when you have the
horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in
the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate,
you didn't.
9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in
your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is advertised "under $5,000," you
can bet he isn't $2,500.
13. The number of horses you own increases
according to the number of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with
enough schooling.
15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
16. Hoof picks migrate.
17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion
to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of
your most recent injury.
20. If you're winning, quit.
21. The only time your horse blows its nose is
when you have a white shirt on.
22. The hugeness of your barrel racing mistakes is
in direct proportion to the hugeness of the entry fee.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

Twas the night of thanksgiving,
but i just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation
with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
Gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious.
May your pies take the prize,
may your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!!

Happy thanksgiving to all

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Classic YouTube: men doing dressage

One of my all time favorites:

Monday, November 23, 2009

New trainer!

Riding high on the success of such books as "You're My Mare Not My Mother" and "Denial Ain't What Keeps The Horseshoe On," Pamela Wilsby-Higgins is holding clinics across the country to promote her latest book and infomercials "From A Whisper To A Scream: When Your Horse Can't Hear You."

The plucky blonde, so progressive in her methods of equine communication she's called "The Woman Who E-Mails to Horses," is the first woman to receive national attention in the growing field of touchy-feely horse training.

Although successful, Pamela has been criticized for her unorthodox techniques and is the first to admit she's not a traditional horse trainer.

"Training is such a worn out concept, even the word 'train' is archaic, it comes from the Old French trahiner, to drag. And that's just what training is, a BIG DRAG!

"What I'm interested in is communicating with problem horses, letting them know they're not alone. Since I too have issues with trust and a history of abusive, dysfunctional relationships, I understand what they're going through.

I can also relate to frustrated riders. As I wrote in 'You're My Mare Not My Mother,' at one point a guilt-tripping gelding shamed me into believing if I were a prettier, thinner, smarter person I wouldn't be having riding problems.

"My goal is to facilitate people away from the 'Self-Centered' riding made popular in the 1980s to a more 'Co-Dependant' riding where the horse and rider work closely to deepen their relationship and become enmeshed in the riding experience."

In defense of reports that her clinics are among the most expensive in this new industry, Pamela is unapologetic. "You get what you pay for. Horses are individuals and it takes time to discover what form of communication works best for them. Whispering to horses is fine, but some respond better to murmuring or babbling, while still others prefer mime or slide shows. I have found when working with a herd, semaphore is the most effective."

Pamela further points out that not all bad horse behavior is the result of a negative breaking experience. "Horses are very sensitive and can have a variety of problems, both emotional and paranormal. They can suffer from depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, even repressed memories. Most people are unaware of the large number of horses who are survivors of alien abduction. I have found that repressed memories of such abductions are the primary cause of trailering difficulties. There are also horses unfairly labeled 'spooky,' when their behavior is actually an appropriate response to poltergeist activity."

Pamela's symposiums cover a wide range of topics, such as: Reimprinting the Inner Foal, Obsessive/Compulsive Dressage, Gymkhanta? Andalusions of Grandeur, Bi-Polar Bending, A.D.D. in Arabians, Fear of Flying Lead Changes, and Feeling Suicidal? Consider Eventing.

When not on tour, Pamela offers weekend retreats at Passing Wind, her Malibu, California Ranch, that focus on specific breeds and riding disciplines. She will also customize sessions to meet a client's particular needs and budget.

"Once we even re-birthed a Tennessee Walker to help her face her 'Water issues.' It was exhilarating and only 3 or 4 people were injured." Pamela was unable to comment further on this event as the matter is still in litigation.

Pamela began developing her techniques under the tutelage of GoWaan PoOLmiFynGer, the charismatic shaman of the Diamond-Phillips tribe and author of the ground breaking book, "Horse Buck Hard."

"The whole monosyllabism of Horse Buck Hard overwhelmed me with its Zen. I knew instantly I had to study with him."

GoWaan PoOLmiFynGer introduced Pamela to his tribe's ancient practices of Equine-Aromatherapy, Prance-Channeling, Stall Feng Shui, Public Relations and Marketing.

"GoWaan taught me so much. Not only did I learn how frequently riders with dysfunctional personal lives project unresolved emotional issues onto their horses, but the outrageous amounts of money they are willing to pay to be told it isn't their fault."

Pamela went on to become GoWaan PoOLmiFynGer's assistant when he toured to promote his calendar and video, Buckskin, Beads and Beefcake. "It was a great gig," she reflects, "but I knew it wouldn't last, when I noticed most of the women attending his sold-out clinics didn't have horses."

She next traveled to the Australian outback, where she studied with acclaimed Snowy River Kanguru Bruce Fosters, whose masterwork, "The Principles Of

Bonding- From Brumbies to The Boardroom," has become an integral part of the executive training programs of many multinational corporations. "Bruce is an incredible visionary. He was the first person to theorize that a rearing horse is really just asking for a hug!"

Since starting her own clinics, Pamela has emphasized the differences between her methods and those of her contemporaries, but she does admit to performing the crowd pleasing, ubiquitous get-an-unstarted-horse-to-accept-a saddle, bit, bridle and rider-without-breaking-its-spirit-in-under-an hour demonstration.

"Of course, since I'm using the techniques I've developed, my version is different from what people have come to expect after seeing other clinicians.

For example, I find using a pyramid-shaped pen, instead of a round pen, brings more energy to the session. I also use indirect lighting, scented candles and soft music. I start by having a few glasses of wine with the horse, then begin to recount my earliest childhood memories of separation and abandonment, while lunging the horse at a trot. After several minutes of this, usually at the point in my litany of victimization where my abusive second husband leaves me for my farrier, the horse will begin to go through a visible change.

While still at a trot, it will start shaking its head and trying to cover its ears. This is the moment I call 'The Throw Up.' The Throw Up is the point a horse reaches when it can't stand listening to my problems any more and will do anything to get me to stop, including being saddled, bridled and ridden for the first time. "People think it's magic when they see how willing the horse becomes once I shut up and start saddling, but there's nothing mysterious about it. I just have a very annoying voice and more issues than T.V. Guide."

Future goals for Pamela include developing a web site, and a 900 number. "I envision a network where for only 99 cents per minute, riders can speak to their own Psychic Tele-Trainer, that I've personally educated. I also plan to explore the financial aspects of communicating with other animal species. I'm willing to discourse with dogs or chat with cats. I'll even vocalize with vermin if there's money in it."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

How Many Horses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

How Many Horses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Thoroughbred: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!

Arabian: I changed it an hour ago. C'mon you guys - catch up!

Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.

Standardbred: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the darn bulb and let's be done
with it.

Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it
anymore.

Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane.

Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.

Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone
realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are
bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing light bulbs. Make the
TB get back here and do it.

Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know
how, really I do! Just watch! I'll rewire the barn after, too.

Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the light
bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that darn Morgan stop
jumping up and down before I double barrel him.

Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?

Mustang: Light bulb? Who needs a light bulb? Let's go on a trail ride,
instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.

Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only that, but
I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose,
after which I will perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can
you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.

Miniature: I bet you think I can't do it just cause I'm small. You know what
that is? It's sizeism!

Akhal Teke: I will only change it if it's my owner's light bulb and no one
else has ever touched it.

Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my personal
groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only on
the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or green bulb, which
reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits.

Cleveland Bay: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.

Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please get the light bulb away
from me! I'm ready to show, really, I promise I'll win!

Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my
owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse.

POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked the old one and broke it in
the first place, remember? Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.

Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and
changed it while you were all arguing.

Brood Mare: Oh my god, it's light in here, it's supposed to be dark at this
time in December, shit, now I'm in heat again.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
The pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
Rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
The next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
She sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion
Can bring you much grief and misery . .
Even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
And live longer!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Equine High School Cliques

Quarter Horses/Paint Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts....yeah, jocks allright!

Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'.
Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.

Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.

Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)

Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow....gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.

Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humour, and the
world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub,
entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.

Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes,
daring anyone to cross their path.

Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.

Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP
them?

Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).

Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.

Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.

Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Your daily dose of horse humor...starts now

THE AMAZING NEW DRESSAGE TEST

For Horses Unsuitable to Become Anything :)

A Enter at ordinary serpentine.
X Sprawl. Salute
C Stop dead. Stare in horror at judge and shy to left, Continue at ordinary working gallop.
E Stagger left 20 or 15 or 22 metres in diameter circle or pear shape or five pointed star. Avoid excessive crossing of legs
K Begin to halt.
Z Keep trying.
F You can do it.
B Pulley rein. Give up. Continue at out of hand gallop
H Regain right stirrup. Continue at ordinary trot, bouncing
MKT Change rein. Free walk loose rein. Remove horse from Judge's luncheon table. Ask judge for leg up.
Jump back into ring
Z Turn down centre line.
Halt. Grin. Scratch. Burst into tears. Leave arena on long reins, loose language.