Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
|The Colbert Report||Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|Stephen's Dressage Training Pt. 2|
|Colbert Report Full Episodes||Political Humor & Satire Blog||Video Archive|
way to ride out the spook! so Passage = horsie walking sideways and Piaffe = fancy prancing now I get it! Check out part one as well.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
You have ever purchased a goat instead of a weed eater.
Neighbor kids dare each other to pet your horses through the fence.
You have 6 horses and one useable halter.
People like to guess what breeds your horse is.
Your tool kit consists of duct tape, WD-40 and baling twine.
You can think of more than 10 uses for empty feed bags.
You wonder if the horse hair in the dryer lint trap is a saleable commodity.
Your horse blankets have been repaired with duct tape. A lot of duct tape.
Your stable colors are dictated by what was on sale at the time of purchase.
You have ever considered, "Pay the hay man or the mortgage?" and decided on the hay man.
You buy top notch horse feed but keep an eye out for sales on Ramen noodles to feed your kids.
Your truck and trailer sport matching coats of primer.
Your all time favorite Christmas gift was a wire stretcher.
The most romantic gift you have ever received was an arena drag.
Spiders are the centerpiece of your “all natural” fly control program.
Mud prevents anyone from guessing what color your horses are.
Any of your bridles are held together with baling wire.
Who needs a bridle when you have a perfectly good halter and lead rope?
All of your exterminators have four legs.
You can’t remember the last time you rode in a saddle.
The string cinch you use every day has six or fewer intact strings.
Your horse won the “Hairiest” award at the local fuzzy/furry schooling show.
No visit to a horse show from your barn is complete without a “Loose Horse!!” announcement over the PA system.
Your pasture fence is held together with baling twine.
You have ever pulled a horse trailer with an El Camino.
You haven’t quite gotten around to breaking that six-year-old home raised colt.
At your barn, a dead rat is cause for celebration.
Your neighbors call frequently with the message, “Your horses are out again!”
There is at least one rusted out vehicle in your pasture.
It takes two hands to open all of your gates – one hand to pick the gate up out of the mud, and the other hand to work the latch.
Cleaning out your trailer’s dressing room requires a manure fork.
The county declares your pasture to be a public nuisance.
None of your stall doors have fully functional latches.
Your son is your automatic waterer.
Taking just one horse out of your pasture is absolutely impossible.
You have never noticed a need for manure removal.
You worm your horses once a year whether they need it or not.
You think vaccinations are for pessimists.
You consider it a waste of money to have the vet geld your colts when you can do it yourself.
You have ever loaded a pony into the back of your truck.
On your property, pasture rotation happens only when the horses tear down the fence to get at the grass in an adjoining pasture.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
One-beat gait with suspension, often exhibited by horses ridden into a
field of white-tailed deer.
--The Lateral Swoop
A sudden sideways leap with shoulder horizontal to the ground, leaving
the rider hovering briefly over where the saddle used to be before
descending to the ground. Can be precipitated by a tractor starting up
outside the arena, snow sliding off the arena roof, a large rock that
magically turns into a bear or a green plastic garbage bag.
--The Whirling Dervish
Advanced version of the Lateral Swoop in which the horse spins like a
top, frequently launching the hapless rider a long distance by
centrifugal force. Specialty of certain Arabians, often caused by
viewing a 4-wheeler approaching on the trail ahead.
One of the natural Airs Above the Ground, a highly suspended movement
exhibited when turned out or during the first canter in an open field.
A variation is the Jet-Assisted Buck & Fart, in which the horse
achieves maximum height and momentum aided by the loud expulsion of
exhaust gas. Occurs on cold, windy days when the wind goes up the
horse's tail and blows his brains out his ears.
Sudden backwards movement accompanied by loud, rolling snorts, ears
stiffly forward and eyes bugging out, exhibited by a horse that has
spotted a monster (invisible to the human eye) advancing on him from
the front. Can be precipitated in visible form by riding up to a large
blue tarp, which the wind then moves slightly.
--The Hot Wheels
Speed gait in which all four legs rotate at high speed, often leaving
rubber strips on the ground. Frequently exhibited by runaway ponies,
rushing jumpers and horses returning to the barn.
--The Shark Circling the Rowboat
Characteristic movement of lesson horse in ever-decreasing concentric
circles around the instructor, until the horse is in the center
standing on the instructor's left foot and further progress is
impossible. (Old school horses tell new school horses how to do this.)
Typical gait of school horse who has perfected the art of laziness. No
perceptible forward movement, in spite of encouraging kicks, clucks,
flapping reins, ineffective crop swats, shouts and jumping up and
down. (Note: the Sloth can be transformed into Hot Wheels by the sight
of the instructor advancing with lunge whip in hand.)
Movement in which the horse shakes like a wet dog, totally terrifying
the beginner rider. Horse then grins an evil grin and eats grass.
Rotational movement performed on the ground, especially in mud, sand
or water. Always performed when the instructor is at the other end of
the trail ride or not looking.
--Followed by the Upsie Daisy
Which always occurs before the arrival of the instructor. Horse
perfects the Wallow by rolling in mud, sand or water, usually defiling
the purity of the perfectly clean saddle regardless of screams.
--The Snail Rocket
The two walking gaits of experienced trail horses on the trail. Going
out, the walk is so snail-like, time perceptibly slows. Coming back,
trotting horses can barely keep up with the rocket walk. Essentially,
horses perfectly understand physical law; the speed of the walk is
directly proportional to the direction on the trail.
Gait which old experienced trail horses proceed with child or beginner
on back. Walk a few feet, stop, horse pulls reins through hands of
beginning rider and eats grass. Repeat 50 times.