Cowboy chapstick

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.

Paint's dry!

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has started to paint his horse like a zebra. The cowboy yells, “Which one of you painted my horse?” A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, “I did.” The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, “Why, thank you - the first coat’s dry!”

Careful what you wish for

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

Cowboy Computer Specialist

* Log On: Making a wood stove hot
* Log Off: Too much wood on fire
* Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
* Down Load: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
* Mega Hertz: What ya git when ya git thrown offn yur horse
* Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
* RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood
* Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time
* Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside
* Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season
* Byte: Whut dem dang flys do
* Chip: Munchies fer the TV
* Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
* Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields
* Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
* Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
* Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
* Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
* Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
* Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
* Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof
* Port: Fancy flatlander wine
* Enter: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
* Click: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
* Double Click: When you cock the double barrel
* Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

Cowboys and horses

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Smile when you say that!

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finnish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."

Cowboys and Indians

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: (pointing at the Indian) "Is this Indian your owner?"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: (pointing to the Indian) "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep
Indian: "Sheep lie"