Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dressage in the Year 2030

1. After changing the rules to allow riders to go topless, to increase spectator interest, dressage is now getting more television airtime than the AFL, cricket, tennis, swimming and golf combined.
2. After winning her 7th consecutive Olympics, Anky is now at the heart of controversy once again, this time for training her horses telepathically.
3. Average size of the typical Warmblood: 22.1 hands.
4. The new ruling regarding tack has determined the maximum thickness of knee roll padding allowed is 23 cm. However, a last minute convention decision has over ruled the ban on saddle seatbelts, effective immediately.
5. After decades of breeding for huge gaits, and with the average Warmblood standing 22.1 hands, the dressage arena dimensions have again been expanded and now measure 180 meters x 90 meters, mostly to allow room for the extended trot.
6. Only 6 qualified trainers remain in the entire world who are able to train a horse from start to Grand Prix themselves. In related news, the cost of a Grand Prix schoolmaster horse now averages $US18.2million.
7. The FEI rulebook for dressage is now 118,346 pages long. Specific guidelines are included for judging degrees of "behind the vertical" and a new ruling now requires that every competition must have at least two judges - one of whom is responsible only for judging the head position (see article 848,976.93 section C).
8. The halt has been removed from all dressage tests. Piaffe, passage and the extended trot now make up 76% of the Grand Prix marks.
9. Although competitors are now allowed to compete treeless, girthless, bitless (and now topless), the rules continue to require stirrups.
10. Petrol now averages $13.50 a litre, and no vehicle manufacturer has yet been able to produce a hybrid vehicle capable of hauling even one 22+ hand horse.
11. Scientists are busy trying to figure out how to ship semen via the Internet. In related news, it is rumored that a mare in England has given birth to a foal - naturally. Scientists are stumped.
12. The FEI is currently holding another emergency meeting to decide how to deal with cloning, after the fiasco at the last Olympics, where there were 3 Bonfires, 4 Gigolos, 4 Gifteds, 6 Rembrandts and 2 Salineros (including "the original" Salinero, still competing in his mid 30s, thanks to advances in veterinary medicine). In related news, the FEI is expected to rule this month on which Gigolo was really the bronze medal winner in 2028.

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