Careful what you wish for

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

Pull, Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Cowboy Computer Specialist

* Log On: Making a wood stove hot
* Log Off: Too much wood on fire
* Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
* Down Load: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
* Mega Hertz: What ya git when ya git thrown offn yur horse
* Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
* RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood
* Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time
* Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside
* Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season
* Byte: Whut dem dang flys do
* Chip: Munchies fer the TV
* Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
* Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields
* Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
* Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
* Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
* Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
* Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
* Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
* Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof
* Port: Fancy flatlander wine
* Enter: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
* Click: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
* Double Click: When you cock the double barrel
* Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

Cowboys and horses

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Smile when you say that!

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finnish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."

A Boy, a Man and a Donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going
to town. The boy rode on the donkey &
the old man walked. As they went along
they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking
& the boy was riding. The man & boy
thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.


Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both
would walk! Soon they passed some
more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were
probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey. As
they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal & he fell
into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone, you might as well...


Kiss your ass good-bye.

Have A Nice Day &
Be Careful With Your Donkey

Simple rules for barn maintenance

-YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. (also good for blanket repairs!)

-IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Cowboys and Indians

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: (pointing at the Indian) "Is this Indian your owner?"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: (pointing to the Indian) "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep
Indian: "Sheep lie"

Horse agility ?!?!?!

Wow, check out these videos. The horses sure look like they are having a blast! Some of the obstacles look a bit scarey to me. I bet I could get Diva to do that...oh wait, theres water, never mind!

Deadly Adventures on horseback

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not get any worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and loosing consciousness, the Wal-mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank God for heroes. -- Anonymous




(hey, at least it wasnt the BLONDE version of the joke :) )

Horse vs Husband

Good Things About Husbands:

Husbands are less expensive to shoe.

Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.

A lame husband can still work.

A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked..

Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.

They're better able to understand puns.

If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot.

They know their name.

They pay their own bills.

They apologize when they step on your toes.

They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle.

They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too)

For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.

Men rarely pee in the middle of the bed day in and day out..

Men don't usually trample their dinner into their beds, or eat the bedding.

You don't have to bolt the door every time you leave them for a few minutes
to stop them running back to their friends.



The Horse's Advantage:

If they don't work out you can sell them.

They don't come with in-laws.

You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.

You never have to iron their saddle pads.

If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.

They smell good when they sweat.

You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.

It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".

You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.

They don't want their turn at the computer.

They turn white with age, but not bald.

They learn to accept restraint.

They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Your horse will not think a new pair of shoes every month is excessive

Your horse will be glad of the company if you go shopping for another one, and your friends will approve of you keeping more than one, as this is more natural.


Me, I'll take the horse! Altho the husband would be nice for the extra income and handyman abilities :)

Martha Steward horsekeeping

A bit late for a Christmas post but I just found this one in my saved jokes folder :)

An Equestrian "Martha Stewart" Style Christmas




1. Take red and green tape and covers your horse's halter for a festive look.

2. Trim your horse's hooves with pinking shears and stencil a different holiday picture on each hoof.

3. Tie ribbons on the muck tub and decorate the handle with bells.
Whenever your horse poops,
skip up the aisle shaking the tub, humming "Here comes Santa Claus."

4. Spray paint the pitchfork gold and decorate with raffia and holly.

5. Place a fresh lemon slice in your horse's new silver water bucket.

6. Stamp out carrot and apple treats with copper cookie cutters and decorate with royal icing and a number 2 rosette tip.

7. Collect mane and tail hair and hang in wire baskets outside the barn for the birds.

8. Let the farm dogs drink eggnog from the toilet bowl.

9. Restuff all your pillows with horse hair saved from body clipping.

10. French braid your horse's tail intertwining red, gold and green threads, and make him wear a Santa hat.

11. Dress up like Santa. Put antlers on your horse. Hitch him up to manure spreader and drive around the farm yelling "on Donner, On Blitzen etc."

12. Use fresh manure to form manger scene figures. Use manure from your best horse for the Christ child.

13. Decorate yourself, your horse and your tack with Christmas tree lights.
Use methane from your most flatulent horse to power the whole system.

14. Soak your white polo wraps in starch. While still wet, form into angels. When dry, hang up around the barn.

15. Coat the barn cats in Elmer's glue and roll in red and green glitter.

16. Take the chain harrow and spell out "Merry Christmas" in your neighbor's hay field so people in airplanes can read it.

17. Change cross ties in barn to braided red licorice. Hot glue candy canes at 3 inch intervals.

18. Fill the automatic waterers with hot buttered rum.

19. Hang mistletoe over the stallion's door and let all the "girls"
stop by for a kiss.


And my favorite:


20. Train your geldings to write "Merry Christmas" in the snow!

Horse 1.0

Dear Tech Support;

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0.

This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!



THE REPLY: Dear User, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box.

Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:\HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.

A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", whichwe admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.



Sincerely, Tech Support

When I am an old Horsewoman

I shall wear turquoise and diamonds, and a straw hat that doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my social security on white wine and carrots and sit in my alleyway of my barn and listen to the horses breathe.

I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night and ride the old bay gelding across the moonstruck meadow, if my old bones will allow.

And when people come to call, I will smile and nod as I walk past the gardens to the barn and show instead the flowers growing inside the stalls fresh-lined with straw.

I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair, as if it were a jewel.

And I will be an embarrassment to all, who will not yet have found the peace in being free to have a horse be a best friend.

A friend who waits at midnight hour with muzzle and nicker and patient eyes for the kind of woman I will be, when I am old.

 
 
 
back to the funnies tomorrow, I promise!

The warmth of a horse

When your day

seems out of balance

And so many things go wrong...

When people fight around you

And the clock drags on so long...

When most folks act like children,

And fill you with remorse,

Go out into your pasture...

Wrap your arms around your horse.

His gentle breath enfolds you,

As he watches with those eyes

He may not have a PhD,

But he is, oh, so wise!

His head rests on your shoulder...

You embrace him good and tight;

He puts your world in balance,

And makes it seem all right.

Your tears will soon stop flowing,

The tension will be eased.

The nonsense has been lifted,

You are quiet and at peace.

So when you need some balance

From the stresses in your day...

The best therapy you can seek...

Is out there eating hay!

TGIF

Well it was, some days I hate my job, today especially. I need a job where I can interact with more horses than people! (but that still pays well haha). At least its a 3 day weekend I am feeling well enough and its going to be warm enough to spend the whoooooole weekend at the barn, pretty much. That should go a long ways in forgetting about work for a while.

Since I'm not in a laughing mood heres some photos of my mare I actually meant to put in the post about why we own horses, enjoy!

There...I feel better already!

Lets get the "buck" outta here and on with the weekend!

The Horse's Handbook

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.

CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.

DEATH: When one of your best turn-out friends has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one to go.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).

DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

FARRIER: The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frusteration without danger of limiting your food supply.

FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.

GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human..

HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

HUMOR: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the necessary laughter response.

IMPROPER SHOES: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behaviour by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.

MARRIAGE: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.

NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."

NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles.. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!

RAIN: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.

SHOEING: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.

SHOTS: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the leadrope into a handy tool with wich you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.

STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never -- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.

SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.

Why we own horses

Feeling sorry for myself and my lack of finances to do stuff like take vacations I came up with this list:

What I cant do because I own a horse:
Take expensive vacations
Own a fuel efficient car
Go to concerts/events
Have all the latest electronic gadgets
Fix up the house more
Build a garage big enough for the truck!
Get new appliances
Spend my weekends antiquing like I used to

What my horse gives me for free:
Excercise (especially when I am chasing her around the pasture to catch her!)
An escape from city life for a few hours (too bad it takes 35 minutes to get there!)
An escape from life in general, especially on a bad day, nothing better than a good ride to cure all
Hours of trail riding enjoyment (finally we are at a barn that does a lot of trail riding!)
Satisfaction and pride, at shows knowing I did it all myself (tho I wont be able to show as much this year)
Entertaining stories, well to my horsie friends, not always the non horsie ones
Warmth on those cold days at the barn
Sense of freedom (not talking about when they send you flying out of the saddle)
Unconditional love, well face it there IS a condition - treats!

How to warm up in a hurry on a cold January morning...

Step 1: First, you must have an invalid in the barn waiting to be fed. Preferably an OTTB who has been locked up 24/7 for at least 3 weeks with ruptured tendons and ligaments.

Step 2: Don't bother with expedition type clothing. Hey, you sat around and waited for it to warm up to 12 degrees before going to the barn. Just pull your barn coat and wellies on over your flannel pjs.

Step 3: Walk to barn. Observe that horse appears a bit anxious. Notice that he's dripping sweat from head to tail. Notice that his eyes look kind of weird. Make sure to leave the barn doors open just a foot or so. And don't stand directly in front of the stall as you are sliding open the stall door.

Step 4: Watch horse go insane. Watch horse crash through and break the stall chain, while pushing the stall door open. Watch horse bust through the opening you carefully left between the main barn doors. Watch dumbfounded and gobsmacked as horse proceeds to go on a mad gallop outside the pasture fence, crashing through the woods, blasting through vines and briars and jumping fallen trees. Notice that bad leg seems to be working pretty good.

Step 5: Go after horse. Realize you have nothing in your hands. Turn around and go back to barn to get halter and lead rope and treats. Go back out to look for horse. Horse is not visible but you can hear crashing around in the woods going toward the main road.

Step 6: Try running in your wellies on the rock-hard, uneven, frozen ground in the woods as you chase horse. Trip and fall. Do it again.

Step 7: See horse on a trail. Cut over and get in front of horse. Jump up and down, wave your arms and yell. Jump out of the way just as soon as you realize that he does not even see you and will mow you down if you stand in his way.

Step 8: Repeat step 7. Again. Again. Once more.

Step 9: By now, you should be very, very warm. Resist temptation to be snarky when hubby comes out of the nice warm house and yells over to you - Did you know one of your horses is loose?

Step 10: Ponder all the ways to define horse's behavior. Crazy. Psychotic. Berserk. Insane. Lunatic. Bonkers. Running Amok. Remembering that childhood fear that your horse will go crazy if he eats locoweed, you wonder if there really IS a locoweed and if so how the hell did horse get it?

Step 11: Give up any hope of "catching" him. He is, after all, on a mission from alien beings who have instructed him to hunt the demons that live in the woods. This is the only rational explanation you can find...

Step 12: Seeing that horse is running the same crazy loops over and over, you realize that he occasionally runs back to the barn. Get thee to the front of the barn and hide and wait until he comes back. Voila - here he comes - NOW, shut the barn doors behind him as quick as you can and herd him back into his stall and slam the stall door shut. Realize that he has spent 20 minutes running around like a lunatic.

Step 13: Don't relax yet. Just as you are about to stop hyper-ventilating, you realize he is trying to jump out the lower dutch outside stall door. Think, quick, which can you find faster, the ACE or a baseball bat? ACE wins. Yes, you know it will be more effective under the circumstances if you can get it in a vein. Don't be stupid. Horse looks like a whirling dervish in the stall. Draw 5 ccs ACE, ease into the stall, try to calm horse, then just lunge and stick the neck and push.

Step 14: By now, horse is exhausted, has soaked sweat through 2 blankets, all the adrenalin has been used up as he now remembers that his leg is injured and it HURTS. Horse gives up trying to jump out of the stall. Stops whirling. You see that the weird - totally insane - look in his eyes is fading. He realizes you are there in the stall. He comes to you, limping, drenched with sweat, looking pitiful because his leg hurts and he just wants you to scratch his head.

Step 15: Spend the next 24 hours worrying that he will colic and worrying that he has really re-injured the leg that had been making progress, and wondering just what the hell triggered this psychotic break. Finally decide the colic risk has passed, the leg seems better than you expected and you begin to hold out hope that he has survived his bout of alien demonic
possession without too much collateral damage.

Finally, regain sense of humor, chuckle now that it's over, and decide to entertain your FOL friends with the story of the Equine Jailbreak.
Now, pour a glass of red, curl up in front of the fire and relax.

Murphy's Horse Laws

There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.

No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.

The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.

A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.

Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.

Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.

Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.

Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.

If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.

The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.

Your barn will fall down without baling twine.

Hoof picks always run a way from home.

If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.

If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one way to go. Down!

Hoss tradin

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him."


"He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said.

The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $1,000."

"He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."

The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!"

The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"

TOP TEN REASONS TO RIDE DRESSAGE

10 found ice-fishing too stimulating.

9 I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine

8 Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at

7 Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular

6 My Chiropractor needs a new car

5 Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - the barn

4 Got tired of spending cold winters by the fire and hot summers by the pool

3 My lawyer wanted me to have three judges

2 Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges

1 I had way to much money in my bank account!

Jockey tricks

There was a famous jockey that never lost a race.When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue.

Head colds suck!

sort of back in business....sort of

Q: How do you make a small fortune in the horse industry?


A: Start with a large fortune.

You know you are a horseperson when:

-You cluck to your car when you go up a hill.  (guilty)

-Your horse's hair is in better condition than your own.

-You refer to your car as "my portable tack room".

-You are exited when your friend tells you that there is a huge sale at the bridle shop, then you are dissapointed when you realize they mean the bridal shop.

-You have the vet's number but not your kid's pediatrician on your speed dial.

-Your spouse can track dirt into the house all they want, but God help them if they muddy up the tack room.

-Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.

-Your nice clothes are the ones without horse hair all over them.

-You have to go to your friend's wedding in riding clothes because you took too long at the barn.

-Only horsepeople would spend hundreds of dollors on a show for a 95 cent ribben (also guilty)

Alpha mare?

Unstable

Top 10 Spooky Things

A horse's point of view

10. Blowing Paper:

"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."


9. Barking Dogs:

"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"


8. Puddles of Water:

"Quicksand."


7. Trash Cans:

"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."


6. Babies and Li'l Kids:

"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."


5. Plaid Horse Blankets:

"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."


4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:

"Dreaded North American Trail Snakes."


3. Ponies:

"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."


2. Windy Days:

"Two Words: impending tornado."


1. Carts and Wagons:

"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."