How to Worm a Horse:

1. Buy wormer paste.

2. Capture the wild beast -a.k.a- the horse.

3. Firmly grip lead rope in left/right hand (whichever you do not write with).

4. With your other hand insert wormer tube.

5. Pick yourself up off the ground and ask someone to hold your horse while you go to the emergency room to have your dislocated shoulder looked at.

6. Repeat steps 1-5, but duck this time as the back hooves somehow go flying past your head.

7. As your legs get twisted in the rope, try to stand up, only to have your legs pulled out from under you.

8. As soon as you spit out ALL the dirt you just ate, jump up and grab your horse.

9. Ponder why this is not working.

10. Repeat steps 1-5 and 6, but this time go home, change into a shirt that does not have apple- flavored wormer paste all over it and proceed to go to the feed store and buy another tube.

11. When you get back to the barn, see the manager's 10-year-old son walking over to you.

12. Let him take the worming tube from your hand, and watch in disbelief as he worms your horse without getting a single spot of the paste on himself, and there is no dirt on his face, and he's not in the emergency room.

13. Put your horse back in the barn and go home to your nice warm bed.

~Handy Euphemisms for Falling Off Your Horse~

1. Joining Airborne Equitation International (affectionately known as AAEEEEEEEEEI!).
2. I'm in a transitional relationship with my saddle.
3. Dirt for dessert.
4. High-fiving a nightcrawler.
5. Swan dive (water optional).
6. Spending a little quality time with gravity.
7. Checking your girth...from the bottom.
8. Doing the rootin' tootin', grass-scorching, scare-the-spectators boogie.
9. A quick trip to Dirtsville.
10. Trolling for paramedics.
11. Just seeing if the judge was paying attention.
12. A Richter-Scale-5 spot check of footing quality.
13. Insufficient flapping.
14. Studying impact craters at close range.
15. Spontaneous retrograde.
16. Pushing down daisies.
17. Turf surfing.
18. Incoming!!
19. A short step-over four feet south of Hermes, France.
20. Vulture baiting.

HOW MANY MESSAGE BOARD HORSE OWNERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
Three to tell a funny story about their horses and a light bulb.
AND One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Memo to Horses:

--When your stall is being cleaned, please don't go through the wheelbarrow
& take out bits of wet, dirty hay. You have nice clean hay to eat & no matter
how precious that stuff is to you, it's got to go.

--No matter how entertaining it may be to a horse to knock over a full
wheelbarrow & then watch the resulting swearing & re-filling, it is NOT
considered entertainment by the human.


--Jumping out into the barn aisle over the wheelbarrow will NOT get
you an audition for the USET. I don't care how tightly you can fold your
knees, this is not the time or the place.


--It is not necessary to hide your manure so I have to sift through every
inch of bedding in search of buried treasure. You're not a cat & your stall is not
a giant litter box.


--By the same token, the water bucket is not a commode, and the automatic waterer
does not flush. Are we clear on that?


--The "lah-di-dah" attitude, "Drop it anywhere, I have a maid who comes in & takes
care of that," is not helpful.


--Neat freaks who manure only in one corner of the stall will get extra grooming
time & treats.


--There will be no more unauthorized barn parties after lights out.
When I come in, in the morning and find bleary-eyed horses, straw all
over the aisle, manure half-way up the walls and even the rats have hangovers,
do you think I don't know what went on last night?


Please take this memo to heart, or learn how to clean up your own rooms!


The Management

Minister's speech

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.

When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

Dressage in the Year 2030

1. After changing the rules to allow riders to go topless, to increase spectator interest, dressage is now getting more television airtime than the AFL, cricket, tennis, swimming and golf combined.

2. After winning her 7th consecutive Olympics, Anky is now at the heart of controversy once again, this time for training her horses telepathically.

3. Average size of the typical Warmblood: 22.1 hands.

4. The new ruling regarding tack has determined the maximum thickness of knee roll padding allowed is 23 cm. However, a last minute convention decision has over ruled the ban on saddle seatbelts, effective immediately.

5. After decades of breeding for huge gaits, and with the average Warmblood standing 22.1 hands, the dressage arena dimensions have again been expanded and now measure 180 meters x 90 meters, mostly to allow room for the extended trot.

6. Only 6 qualified trainers remain in the entire world who are able to train a horse from start to Grand Prix themselves. In related news, the cost of a Grand Prix schoolmaster horse now averages $US18.2million.

7. The FEI rulebook for dressage is now 118,346 pages long. Specific guidelines are included for judging degrees of "behind the vertical" and a new ruling now requires that every competition must have at least two judges - one of whom is responsible only for judging the head position (see article 848,976.93 section C).

8. The halt has been removed from all dressage tests. Piaffe, passage and the extended trot now make up 76% of the Grand Prix marks.

9. Although competitors are now allowed to compete treeless, girthless, bitless (and now topless), the rules continue to require stirrups.

10. Petrol now averages $13.50 a litre, and no vehicle manufacturer has yet been able to produce a hybrid vehicle capable of hauling even one 22+ hand horse.

11. Scientists are busy trying to figure out how to ship semen via the Internet. In related news, it is rumored that a mare in England has given birth to a foal - naturally. Scientists are stumped.

12. The FEI is currently holding another emergency meeting to decide how to deal with cloning, after the fiasco at the last Olympics, where there were 3 Bonfires, 4 Gigolos, 4 Gifteds, 6 Rembrandts and 2 Salineros (including "the original" Salinero, still competing in his mid 30s, thanks to advances in veterinary medicine). In related news, the FEI is expected to rule this month on which Gigolo was really the bronze medal winner in 2028.

Cowboy chapstick

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.

Show jumping takes on a whole new meaning

Wow, who knew a set up jump cups could hold a mans weight!

The optimist vs the pessimist

 Worried that their 6 year old twin boys had developed extreme personalities -- one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist -- their parents took them to a psychiatrist. 

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. "What's the matter?" the psychiatrist asked, baffled. "Don't you want to play with any of the toys?" "Yes," the little boy bawled, "but if I did I'd only break them." 

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. "What do you think you're doing?" the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. "With all this manure," the little boy replied, beaming, "there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

How not to impress your friends and family

So Diva hasnt been ridden in 4 weeks, no problem. I rode her bareback twice on the weekend, once without longeing first GASP! Those wild crazy Ayrabs, you cant do that! Eh, too hot and lazy to drag out a saddle, besides she wasnt 100% sound yet, 90% there. Didnt ride long, mostly walked, no problem.

So last night I have a friend out with me, a rare thing. We were chattin away but I wanted to get a bit of a ride in to see if shes getting better, and she is. Id say shes 99% there now. I know this because she galloped AWAY from me in the pasture instead of to me, little @$%^*. So I just do bareback with the halter and lead rope. Now, before I continue, let me just say that Diva is super duper slick and shiny this summer. She is naturally that way but shes extra that way this year, shes also extra FAT which may have something to do with it.

This was our last show and most of that is not show sheen, its au natural! (click for bigger photo for the full effect)

Let me also ad, in the 5 years I have had her I have never fallen off. You can see whats coming now yes? So I line her up with the mounting block and jump up. I just about have my leg over the other side when I start sliding on her slick coat. So I slide back down, missed the mounting block and land on my feet in the arena, no prob. I get on again and just make it over that time. So we walk, no prob, trot a bit, and actually did much better at the trot than on the weekend. I rode for maybe 15 minutes. So I am back up front, standing still, still chattin with the friend. Forgot already about her slipperiness and decided to do "around the world", which I have done with no problem MANY times on her. Sitting sideways, no prob, sitting backwards, no prob. I go to swing my leg around her currently ample tushy and my butt slides right off the side weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I am glad I just had a halter on her since I managed to grab hold of the lead somehow as I was goin down, mind you I'm completely backwards at this point. Would have hated to have pulled on her mouth! Landed on my own somewhat ample tush, Diva jumped around a bit then walked off with her butt facing me as if to say just how stupid are you! I gotta say that arena footing makes a pretty nice landing, I even had my 5 year old Razor flip phone in my back pocket, not a usual thing, only because my friend was meeting me there and I forgot to take it out before I got on. It survived as well. It didnt even hurt, I was more embarrassed but had a good laugh over it.

And IMO I still have not FALLEN off, I just slid off, I meant to do that, yeah:)

and I'm not even sore today! (well maybe just a little)

Happy long weekend!

and boy do I need it, Ive had to drive the 45+ minute drive to the barn everyday for the last week and the next 2 weeks as well. Darn mare got herself a case of scratches from hell and needs daily treatment for 3 weeks. ugh!

 So I havent had time or energy to post but heres a few independence day funnies for your weekend!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!" 

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!