The Eastern Lady

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of saddle do you want, English or Western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

The Greyhound

Three racehorses stood in their stalls. One said to the others, "I ran 20 races and I won 14 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I won 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic, when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement, and one gasped, "Wow! A talking Greyhound!"

I stand corrected

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with, and I know for a fact that you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."

Movies for Horse Lovers

Citizen Mane
Withering Heights
The Bridle of Frankenstein
Gentlemen Prefer Palominos
Prances with Hooves
For Whom the Belgian Toils
Rein Man
Lawrence the Arabian
Stall Wars
The Man with the Gelding Farm
The Day the Girth Stood Still
The Fall of the Horse of the Usher
Horse Blanket Bingo
Saturday Night Feeder
Gone with the Whinny
Cool Hoof Luke
Bonnie and Clydesdale

From the (race) horse's mouth

A horse walked up to the racetrack betting window and put down 50 bucks. "I want to bet on myself to win the fifth race," said the horse. "I don't believe it!" said the astonished clerk. "You don't believe what?", said the horse, "That I can talk?" "No", replied the clerk, "You don't stand a chance of winning the fifth race.

--------------

A young boy told his mother that his father had taken him to the zoo. The mother couldn't believe it.
She said, "Your father has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life."
The boy said, "He did, and one of the animals paid fifty dollars!"

----------------
A man was walking down the road leading a horse and saw his mate. His mate said to him "What are you going to do with that?"
The 1st man replied "Race it".
The 2nd man then said "Well by the looks of it you will win!".

50 Ways to annoy your pasture mates (and human)

1. A stick with a few dead leaves on it can make very scary noises. Take advantage of this fact.
2. Plastic bags can also be quite scary to other horses.
3. So can large pieces of rubber.
4. Well, Ok, pretty much anything can appear frightful when held in the mouth and shaken. It is very fun to chase around other horses using this knowledge.
5. Other horses also seem to be quite scared of loud noises. A hoof against metal works quite well.
6. Coughing loudly behind an unsuspecting horse can also be quite effective.
7. Most horses do not know what to think when you stand on your hind legs for more than 5 seconds at a time.
8. Most horses also do not know what to think when you climb into the salt feeder.
9. Or the grain feeder.
10. Neither do most people.
11. Any open object is meant to be climbed into. Never mind the size of the object in comparison to your size.
12. Also never mind that the object may be harder to exit than it was to enter.
13. Trailers are more fun to get into than they are to get out of. Do not consider this fact when entering the trailer; but strongly consider it when asked to get out.
14. Horse hair bears a striking resemblence to grass.
15. So does people hair.
16. All objects have the potential to be edible. Much tast-testing and chewing is required to discover this potential.
17. Other horses make interesting noises when you nip them.
18. especially when you nip them on the butt.
19. esepecially when the horse you are nipping is a female.
20. People make interesting noises when your place your foot on theirs
21. People also make interesting noises when you buck while they are sitting on your back.
22. The higher the buck, the louder the noise.
23. If you possess a large, hangy down thing, then you *are* a stallion, no matter what the vet did to you.
24. Be sure everyone *knows* that you are a stallion.
25. Mares find stallions very attractive. Remind them of this as often as possible. Ignore any rude remarks, or respond with one of the above techniques for regaining control of the herd.
26. Food was meant to be eaten and water was meant to be drunk.
27. Nothing can change this fact. The more barriers in the way, the more number 26 applies.
28. Water is also meant to be splashed in.
29. and rolled in.
30. These acts are more fun when someone is sitting on your back.
31. If something is fun without an audience, it is twice as fun with an audience.
32. the larger the audience, the greater the fun.
33. one word: flatulence.
34. bits were made to be chewed on. They were *not* made as a device to control you.
35. Ditto with halters.
36. and leadropes.
37. "Good boy!" should be music to the ears. Respond to this phrase with pricked ears and a happy face. This phrase always applies to you.
38. Come to think of it, "good boy" is the *only* phrase that always applies to you.
39. "No" does not apply to you. Ever. Neither does "naughty" or any similarly negative phrase.
40. Be sure your slave knows that these phrases do not apply to you and you do not appreciate any negative attitudes.
41. "Whoa" applies to you when you are tired of moving.
42. "Giddyup" applies when you are tired of standing.
43. Under opposite circumstances, each can easily be misinterpretted as the other.
44. In fact, most phrases can easily be misinterpretted to you liking.
45. Rules were meant to be broken.
46. Unless they are rules that you wrote.
47. Then they should be applied as often as possible.
48. In as many different circumstances as possible.
49. As long as possible
50. Possibilities are endless.

How many RIDERS does it take to change a light bulb

Endurance Rider: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse / respiration / hydration levels to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb.



Dressage Queen: Me? Change a light bulb?  Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!


Classical Dressage Queen: These things can not be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true
self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of  classical light bulb changing.


Eventer Hmm, as soon as my arm is out of this sling, broken after falling off at that large stone wall (whilst riding Hell bent For Leather cross- country) I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway.

Show Jumper: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my ass. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded.


Natural Horseman You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video available for $99.99 on my Website).  Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.99 each, for extra $49.99 you get video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.   

You know its a horse owners vehicle when...

The church youth group refuses to take your vehicle at its car wash unless you agree to pay double.

You would never consider paying $50K for a luxury sedan, but a towing vehicle?  Now, that’s a different story!

The price of diesel is under $3/gallon, but it still costs $100 every time you fill up.

You avoid parking in certain parking lots because the spaces aren’t big enough.

The local gas station operator turns on the air machine when he sees you pull in.

You know exactly how many bales of hay fit in your vehicle.

You can look under your floor mats and trace the history of last show season.

Your trunk smells a lot like beet pulp.

There is at least one hat rack installed in your vehicle.

If you see a warning sign for clearance, you find a place to turn around.

You choose a restaurant based upon its parking lot, and your table based upon its view of the parking lot.

New Breed list

Quarter Horse X Halflinger = Three-Quarter Horse
Mustang X Bashkir= Mustache
Vlaamperd X Shire = Vampire
Quarter horse X Warmblood= warm horse
Foxtrotter X Irish Hunter= fox hunter
Arabian X Xilingol= Arab Lingo
Orlov Trotter x Appaloosa = Trapper
Halflinger X Warmblood = Half Warm
Shire X Fallabella = Shy Fella
Fell Pony X Don = Fell Do'n
Westphalian+Gypsy Vanner = Westphalia Van
Paint X Palomino = Paint Pal
Halflinger + Jutland= Half Jug
Missouri Foxtotter X Miniature Horse= Mini Fox
Fjord Pony X Gypsy Vanner = Ford Van
Icelandic X Hackney = Ice-Hack
Oldenburg X Westphalian = Old West
Saddlebred X Appaloosa= Saddle-loosa
Brabant X Friesian= Antifreeze
Florida Cracker X Paint = Cracked Paint
Appaloosa X Danish Warmblood = Apple Danish
Mustang X Friesian= Must Freeze
Friesian x Warmblood = Freezing Blood
Halflinger x Quarter= Half Quart
Oldenburg+Saddlebred= Old Saddle
Quarter Horse+Buckskin=Quarter Buck
Thoroughbred+Suffolk=Rough Folk
Gotland X Appaloosa = Gotloose
Ardennaise X Noma =- Nomayonnaise
Pinto X Warmblood - Pint Blood
Welsh X Shetland = Wetland

Tail of 2 horses

It was a sunny afternoon when Bob said to George,Hey, George, why don't we get ourselves 2 horses? We could ride them in the summer and in the winter we could put them in the paddock behind the house." George thought it was a great idea, so the next day they went out and bought themselves 2 horses. They rode them in the summer, but when winter came George got worried. He said "Hey, Bob, how are we going to tell them apart next spring?" Bob said, "Well, I'll shave the mane off mine and you shave the tail off yours." This satisfied George, so he did. The next spring when they went back to get their horses they found the horses' hair had all grown back. Alarmed, George said, "Oh great, now how are we going to tell them apart?" and Bob said, "Well, you can have the black one and I'll take the white one."

Horse show in heaven

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks watching the horses frolic. "I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a horse show?" Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer. "We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win at the show!"  And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their horse show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.  Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven. How could you  possibly beat us?" Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen?  I have all the judges!"

A-Z of horse terms

Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

Azorturia (or Monday Morning Disease) - A condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school.

Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.

Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).

Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.

Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.

Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after she gives her horse a bath.

Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.

Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).

Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.

Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

Founder - The discovery, of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like: "Hey, honey, I found'er."
also: Founder: A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner

Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when
stepped on.

Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn

Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Girth Sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.

Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...

Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show.

Head Tosser - A blonde haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.

Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.

Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Manure spreader - Horse traders

Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.

Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.

Parasites - Small children that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean white horse 2 minutes after being turned out.

Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 16 hands tall.

Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.


Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.

Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.

Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.

Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go.

Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.

Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.

Your other right!

Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong. 

 

No such thing as a free horse

A friend gives you a horse...
You build a small shelter...$750
You fence in a paddock...$450
Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000
Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800
Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
More fencing...$1,200
Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000
Purchase 4 horse trailer...$17,500
Purchase larger truck...$23,000
Purchase 4 acres next door...$38,000
More fencing...$2,000
Build small barn...$18,000
Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
Purchase tractor...$23,000
Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500
Purchase 20 acres...$285,000
Build house...$185,000
Build barn...$56,000
More fencing & corrals...$24,000
Build covered arena...$182,000
Purchase Dually...$44,000
Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$45,000
Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750
Hire full time trainer...$50,000
Build house for trainer...$84,000
Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
Hire attorney -- spouse leaving you for trainer...$35,000
Declare bankruptcy, spouse gets everything.
Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....

Who Can Open the Gate

This story takes you to a big pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses.  A question has just been asked amid the herd.
Let's listen in on the conversation among the many breeds of horses.
............"Who Can Open the Gate?"............
Lipizzan:  No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred:  I don't want to mess with that gate and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you all behind.
Paint:  Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino:  Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian:  You'll have to get somebody else to do it. I'm not messin' up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse:  Maybe if I push on it with my big buns, I could open it!
Standardbred:  Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony:  Wait just a minute, let me get my stick and give it a few bloody wacks!
Shetland:  Let me at it. I'll break the stupid thing! Then you all can get out of my face.
Mule:  Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred:  Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes?
Fresian:  I'll do it! Do you think it will mess up my hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang:  Heck with opening it, how about I just run the whole darn fence over?
Belgian:  Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan:  There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa:  Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron:  I have already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you argue again!

The Truth About Breeder Lingo

The Truth About Breeder Lingo
what they say...and what it really means
1. Noted Judge - He pinned my horse.
2. Respected Judge - He pinned my horse twice.
3. Shown Sparingly - Only when we had the judge in our pocket.
4. Show Prospect - Four legs, two eyes, a mane, and a tail.
5. Placed in Five Shows - and 89 others where he did nothing.
6. Won in Heavy Competition - Three horses in the maiden class.
7. Lots of Pizazz - Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.
8. Limited Showing - Owner broke.
9. Terrific Angulation - Cow hocked and sickle hocked.
10. Personality Plus - Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.
11. Good Bite - Missed the judge, but got the steward.
12. Excels in Movement - When she spooks, she can pass any horse in the ring.
13. Three Good Gaits - and four or five others we can't name.
14. Handled Exclusively By - no one else can get near him.
15. At Stud to Approved Mares - Those in season.
16. Terrific Pedigree - Old champion Whatsisname is twice in the fifth generation.
17. Good Broodmare - Don't dare try to show in the ring.
18. Lots of Drive - Untrainable.
19. Great Stallion Prospect - Will breed anything from the neighbor's cow on up.
20. Plan Your 2XXX Breeding Season Now - Call the stud owner two days before your horse is due to come into season.

2010 Clydesdales ad

in case you missed it!
http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/2010/anheuser-busch-clydesdale-friend/

Superbowl Sunday!

Now I couldnt care less about the game, since the Vikes arent in it! But the commercials rock, especially the Clydesdales of course! Heres a blast from the past:




and a newer favorite

Thoroughly enjoying that turnout!

My Horse Falls Flat on Her Butt - The best video clips are right here

Judges comments that you DON'T want to receive!!!!

“Nice horse, with lots of…er… potential. (When your horse is over 16!)
“I can only assume this horse jumps well.”
“Very entertaining"
"Well sat bucks"
“Should salute facing judge."
“Horse has a lot of enthusiasm, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to be for dressage..."
“That was your first dressage test, wasn't it?" -- and it wasn’t
"Very naughty horse……but quite athletic."
“Patient rider"
“Brave riding"
“Disobedient" - in every comment for every movement
"Would make a nice fairground horse."
"Too much to list here - ask your trainer"
“Everyone who rides has days like this.”
“Airs above the ground are best left to the Spanish Riding School”
"Nicely turned out pair." (Which is code for, oh God, I have nothing else nice to say about that disaster)
"What a shame about that Helicopter!"

10 Signs Your Dressage Test Needs Some Work

1. Under judges remarks the only comment is: "Nice plaits."

2. Your horse confuses the dressage arena boards for a cavaletti and exits at K.

3. Your 20 metre circle shape reminds the judge that she should buy eggs on her way home.

4. Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight entry on the centre line.

5. Sitting trot has caused some of your fillings to come loose.

6. Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.

7. You work harder than your horse does in working trot.

8. During the salute, your inadvertently use your whip hand and your horse performs "airs above the ground".

9. Your horse's walk appears to be more "rare" than "medium."

10. Impulsion is improved only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative conifers near letters marking the dressage arena.

Racing a 6 year old

A man from Idaho breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?" they asked.
"Not a bit," said the owner.
"In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you never raced him before?"
"Mister," said the man from Idaho, "we couldn't even catch the critter until he was five years old."