A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: (pointing at the Indian) "Is this Indian your owner?"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: (pointing to the Indian) "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep
Indian: "Sheep lie"
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Horse agility ?!?!?!
Wow, check out these videos. The horses sure look like they are having a blast! Some of the obstacles look a bit scarey to me. I bet I could get Diva to do that...oh wait, theres water, never mind!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Deadly Adventures on horseback
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not get any worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and loosing consciousness, the Wal-mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank God for heroes. -- Anonymous
(hey, at least it wasnt the BLONDE version of the joke :) )
(hey, at least it wasnt the BLONDE version of the joke :) )
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Horse vs Husband
Good Things About Husbands:
Husbands are less expensive to shoe.
Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
A lame husband can still work.
A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked..
Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.
They're better able to understand puns.
If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot.
They know their name.
They pay their own bills.
They apologize when they step on your toes.
They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle.
They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too)
For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.
Men rarely pee in the middle of the bed day in and day out..
Men don't usually trample their dinner into their beds, or eat the bedding.
You don't have to bolt the door every time you leave them for a few minutes
to stop them running back to their friends.
The Horse's Advantage:
If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.
Your horse will not think a new pair of shoes every month is excessive
Your horse will be glad of the company if you go shopping for another one, and your friends will approve of you keeping more than one, as this is more natural.
Me, I'll take the horse! Altho the husband would be nice for the extra income and handyman abilities :)
Husbands are less expensive to shoe.
Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
A lame husband can still work.
A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked..
Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.
They're better able to understand puns.
If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot.
They know their name.
They pay their own bills.
They apologize when they step on your toes.
They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle.
They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too)
For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.
Men rarely pee in the middle of the bed day in and day out..
Men don't usually trample their dinner into their beds, or eat the bedding.
You don't have to bolt the door every time you leave them for a few minutes
to stop them running back to their friends.
The Horse's Advantage:
If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.
Your horse will not think a new pair of shoes every month is excessive
Your horse will be glad of the company if you go shopping for another one, and your friends will approve of you keeping more than one, as this is more natural.
Me, I'll take the horse! Altho the husband would be nice for the extra income and handyman abilities :)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Martha Steward horsekeeping
A bit late for a Christmas post but I just found this one in my saved jokes folder :)
An Equestrian "Martha Stewart" Style Christmas
1. Take red and green tape and covers your horse's halter for a festive look.
2. Trim your horse's hooves with pinking shears and stencil a different holiday picture on each hoof.
3. Tie ribbons on the muck tub and decorate the handle with bells.
Whenever your horse poops,
skip up the aisle shaking the tub, humming "Here comes Santa Claus."
4. Spray paint the pitchfork gold and decorate with raffia and holly.
5. Place a fresh lemon slice in your horse's new silver water bucket.
6. Stamp out carrot and apple treats with copper cookie cutters and decorate with royal icing and a number 2 rosette tip.
7. Collect mane and tail hair and hang in wire baskets outside the barn for the birds.
8. Let the farm dogs drink eggnog from the toilet bowl.
9. Restuff all your pillows with horse hair saved from body clipping.
10. French braid your horse's tail intertwining red, gold and green threads, and make him wear a Santa hat.
11. Dress up like Santa. Put antlers on your horse. Hitch him up to manure spreader and drive around the farm yelling "on Donner, On Blitzen etc."
12. Use fresh manure to form manger scene figures. Use manure from your best horse for the Christ child.
13. Decorate yourself, your horse and your tack with Christmas tree lights.
Use methane from your most flatulent horse to power the whole system.
14. Soak your white polo wraps in starch. While still wet, form into angels. When dry, hang up around the barn.
15. Coat the barn cats in Elmer's glue and roll in red and green glitter.
16. Take the chain harrow and spell out "Merry Christmas" in your neighbor's hay field so people in airplanes can read it.
17. Change cross ties in barn to braided red licorice. Hot glue candy canes at 3 inch intervals.
18. Fill the automatic waterers with hot buttered rum.
19. Hang mistletoe over the stallion's door and let all the "girls"
stop by for a kiss.
And my favorite:
20. Train your geldings to write "Merry Christmas" in the snow!
An Equestrian "Martha Stewart" Style Christmas
1. Take red and green tape and covers your horse's halter for a festive look.
2. Trim your horse's hooves with pinking shears and stencil a different holiday picture on each hoof.
3. Tie ribbons on the muck tub and decorate the handle with bells.
Whenever your horse poops,
skip up the aisle shaking the tub, humming "Here comes Santa Claus."
4. Spray paint the pitchfork gold and decorate with raffia and holly.
5. Place a fresh lemon slice in your horse's new silver water bucket.
6. Stamp out carrot and apple treats with copper cookie cutters and decorate with royal icing and a number 2 rosette tip.
7. Collect mane and tail hair and hang in wire baskets outside the barn for the birds.
8. Let the farm dogs drink eggnog from the toilet bowl.
9. Restuff all your pillows with horse hair saved from body clipping.
10. French braid your horse's tail intertwining red, gold and green threads, and make him wear a Santa hat.
11. Dress up like Santa. Put antlers on your horse. Hitch him up to manure spreader and drive around the farm yelling "on Donner, On Blitzen etc."
12. Use fresh manure to form manger scene figures. Use manure from your best horse for the Christ child.
13. Decorate yourself, your horse and your tack with Christmas tree lights.
Use methane from your most flatulent horse to power the whole system.
14. Soak your white polo wraps in starch. While still wet, form into angels. When dry, hang up around the barn.
15. Coat the barn cats in Elmer's glue and roll in red and green glitter.
16. Take the chain harrow and spell out "Merry Christmas" in your neighbor's hay field so people in airplanes can read it.
17. Change cross ties in barn to braided red licorice. Hot glue candy canes at 3 inch intervals.
18. Fill the automatic waterers with hot buttered rum.
19. Hang mistletoe over the stallion's door and let all the "girls"
stop by for a kiss.
And my favorite:
20. Train your geldings to write "Merry Christmas" in the snow!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Horse 1.0
Dear Tech Support;
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0.
This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY: Dear User, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box.
Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:\HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.
A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", whichwe admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0.
This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY: Dear User, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box.
Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:\HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.
A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", whichwe admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
Sunday, January 17, 2010
When I am an old Horsewoman
I shall wear turquoise and diamonds, and a straw hat that doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my social security on white wine and carrots and sit in my alleyway of my barn and listen to the horses breathe.
I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night and ride the old bay gelding across the moonstruck meadow, if my old bones will allow.
And when people come to call, I will smile and nod as I walk past the gardens to the barn and show instead the flowers growing inside the stalls fresh-lined with straw.
I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair, as if it were a jewel.
And I will be an embarrassment to all, who will not yet have found the peace in being free to have a horse be a best friend.
A friend who waits at midnight hour with muzzle and nicker and patient eyes for the kind of woman I will be, when I am old.
back to the funnies tomorrow, I promise!
And I shall spend my social security on white wine and carrots and sit in my alleyway of my barn and listen to the horses breathe.
I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night and ride the old bay gelding across the moonstruck meadow, if my old bones will allow.
And when people come to call, I will smile and nod as I walk past the gardens to the barn and show instead the flowers growing inside the stalls fresh-lined with straw.
I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair, as if it were a jewel.
And I will be an embarrassment to all, who will not yet have found the peace in being free to have a horse be a best friend.
A friend who waits at midnight hour with muzzle and nicker and patient eyes for the kind of woman I will be, when I am old.
back to the funnies tomorrow, I promise!
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