When your day
seems out of balance
And so many things go wrong...
When people fight around you
And the clock drags on so long...
When most folks act like children,
And fill you with remorse,
Go out into your pasture...
Wrap your arms around your horse.
His gentle breath enfolds you,
As he watches with those eyes
He may not have a PhD,
But he is, oh, so wise!
His head rests on your shoulder...
You embrace him good and tight;
He puts your world in balance,
And makes it seem all right.
Your tears will soon stop flowing,
The tension will be eased.
The nonsense has been lifted,
You are quiet and at peace.
So when you need some balance
From the stresses in your day...
The best therapy you can seek...
Is out there eating hay!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
TGIF
Well it was, some days I hate my job, today especially. I need a job where I can interact with more horses than people! (but that still pays well haha). At least its a 3 day weekend I am feeling well enough and its going to be warm enough to spend the whoooooole weekend at the barn, pretty much. That should go a long ways in forgetting about work for a while.
Since I'm not in a laughing mood heres some photos of my mare I actually meant to put in the post about why we own horses, enjoy!
Since I'm not in a laughing mood heres some photos of my mare I actually meant to put in the post about why we own horses, enjoy!
There...I feel better already!
Lets get the "buck" outta here and on with the weekend!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Horse's Handbook
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.
DEATH: When one of your best turn-out friends has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one to go.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
FARRIER: The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frusteration without danger of limiting your food supply.
FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human..
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
HUMOR: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the necessary laughter response.
IMPROPER SHOES: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behaviour by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.
MARRIAGE: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles.. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
RAIN: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.
SHOEING: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.
SHOTS: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the leadrope into a handy tool with wich you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never -- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.
CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.
DEATH: When one of your best turn-out friends has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one to go.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
FARRIER: The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frusteration without danger of limiting your food supply.
FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human..
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
HUMOR: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the necessary laughter response.
IMPROPER SHOES: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behaviour by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.
MARRIAGE: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles.. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
RAIN: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.
SHOEING: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.
SHOTS: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the leadrope into a handy tool with wich you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never -- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Why we own horses
Feeling sorry for myself and my lack of finances to do stuff like take vacations I came up with this list:
What I cant do because I own a horse:
Take expensive vacations
Own a fuel efficient car
Go to concerts/events
Have all the latest electronic gadgets
Fix up the house more
Build a garage big enough for the truck!
Get new appliances
Spend my weekends antiquing like I used to
What my horse gives me for free:
Excercise (especially when I am chasing her around the pasture to catch her!)
An escape from city life for a few hours (too bad it takes 35 minutes to get there!)
An escape from life in general, especially on a bad day, nothing better than a good ride to cure all
Hours of trail riding enjoyment (finally we are at a barn that does a lot of trail riding!)
Satisfaction and pride, at shows knowing I did it all myself (tho I wont be able to show as much this year)
Entertaining stories, well to my horsie friends, not always the non horsie ones
Warmth on those cold days at the barn
Sense of freedom (not talking about when they send you flying out of the saddle)
Unconditional love, well face it there IS a condition - treats!
What I cant do because I own a horse:
Take expensive vacations
Own a fuel efficient car
Go to concerts/events
Have all the latest electronic gadgets
Fix up the house more
Build a garage big enough for the truck!
Get new appliances
Spend my weekends antiquing like I used to
What my horse gives me for free:
Excercise (especially when I am chasing her around the pasture to catch her!)
An escape from city life for a few hours (too bad it takes 35 minutes to get there!)
An escape from life in general, especially on a bad day, nothing better than a good ride to cure all
Hours of trail riding enjoyment (finally we are at a barn that does a lot of trail riding!)
Satisfaction and pride, at shows knowing I did it all myself (tho I wont be able to show as much this year)
Entertaining stories, well to my horsie friends, not always the non horsie ones
Warmth on those cold days at the barn
Sense of freedom (not talking about when they send you flying out of the saddle)
Unconditional love, well face it there IS a condition - treats!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
How to warm up in a hurry on a cold January morning...
Step 1: First, you must have an invalid in the barn waiting to be fed. Preferably an OTTB who has been locked up 24/7 for at least 3 weeks with ruptured tendons and ligaments.
Step 2: Don't bother with expedition type clothing. Hey, you sat around and waited for it to warm up to 12 degrees before going to the barn. Just pull your barn coat and wellies on over your flannel pjs.
Step 3: Walk to barn. Observe that horse appears a bit anxious. Notice that he's dripping sweat from head to tail. Notice that his eyes look kind of weird. Make sure to leave the barn doors open just a foot or so. And don't stand directly in front of the stall as you are sliding open the stall door.
Step 4: Watch horse go insane. Watch horse crash through and break the stall chain, while pushing the stall door open. Watch horse bust through the opening you carefully left between the main barn doors. Watch dumbfounded and gobsmacked as horse proceeds to go on a mad gallop outside the pasture fence, crashing through the woods, blasting through vines and briars and jumping fallen trees. Notice that bad leg seems to be working pretty good.
Step 5: Go after horse. Realize you have nothing in your hands. Turn around and go back to barn to get halter and lead rope and treats. Go back out to look for horse. Horse is not visible but you can hear crashing around in the woods going toward the main road.
Step 6: Try running in your wellies on the rock-hard, uneven, frozen ground in the woods as you chase horse. Trip and fall. Do it again.
Step 7: See horse on a trail. Cut over and get in front of horse. Jump up and down, wave your arms and yell. Jump out of the way just as soon as you realize that he does not even see you and will mow you down if you stand in his way.
Step 8: Repeat step 7. Again. Again. Once more.
Step 9: By now, you should be very, very warm. Resist temptation to be snarky when hubby comes out of the nice warm house and yells over to you - Did you know one of your horses is loose?
Step 10: Ponder all the ways to define horse's behavior. Crazy. Psychotic. Berserk. Insane. Lunatic. Bonkers. Running Amok. Remembering that childhood fear that your horse will go crazy if he eats locoweed, you wonder if there really IS a locoweed and if so how the hell did horse get it?
Step 11: Give up any hope of "catching" him. He is, after all, on a mission from alien beings who have instructed him to hunt the demons that live in the woods. This is the only rational explanation you can find...
Step 12: Seeing that horse is running the same crazy loops over and over, you realize that he occasionally runs back to the barn. Get thee to the front of the barn and hide and wait until he comes back. Voila - here he comes - NOW, shut the barn doors behind him as quick as you can and herd him back into his stall and slam the stall door shut. Realize that he has spent 20 minutes running around like a lunatic.
Step 13: Don't relax yet. Just as you are about to stop hyper-ventilating, you realize he is trying to jump out the lower dutch outside stall door. Think, quick, which can you find faster, the ACE or a baseball bat? ACE wins. Yes, you know it will be more effective under the circumstances if you can get it in a vein. Don't be stupid. Horse looks like a whirling dervish in the stall. Draw 5 ccs ACE, ease into the stall, try to calm horse, then just lunge and stick the neck and push.
Step 14: By now, horse is exhausted, has soaked sweat through 2 blankets, all the adrenalin has been used up as he now remembers that his leg is injured and it HURTS. Horse gives up trying to jump out of the stall. Stops whirling. You see that the weird - totally insane - look in his eyes is fading. He realizes you are there in the stall. He comes to you, limping, drenched with sweat, looking pitiful because his leg hurts and he just wants you to scratch his head.
Step 15: Spend the next 24 hours worrying that he will colic and worrying that he has really re-injured the leg that had been making progress, and wondering just what the hell triggered this psychotic break. Finally decide the colic risk has passed, the leg seems better than you expected and you begin to hold out hope that he has survived his bout of alien demonic
possession without too much collateral damage.
Finally, regain sense of humor, chuckle now that it's over, and decide to entertain your FOL friends with the story of the Equine Jailbreak.
Now, pour a glass of red, curl up in front of the fire and relax.
Step 2: Don't bother with expedition type clothing. Hey, you sat around and waited for it to warm up to 12 degrees before going to the barn. Just pull your barn coat and wellies on over your flannel pjs.
Step 3: Walk to barn. Observe that horse appears a bit anxious. Notice that he's dripping sweat from head to tail. Notice that his eyes look kind of weird. Make sure to leave the barn doors open just a foot or so. And don't stand directly in front of the stall as you are sliding open the stall door.
Step 4: Watch horse go insane. Watch horse crash through and break the stall chain, while pushing the stall door open. Watch horse bust through the opening you carefully left between the main barn doors. Watch dumbfounded and gobsmacked as horse proceeds to go on a mad gallop outside the pasture fence, crashing through the woods, blasting through vines and briars and jumping fallen trees. Notice that bad leg seems to be working pretty good.
Step 5: Go after horse. Realize you have nothing in your hands. Turn around and go back to barn to get halter and lead rope and treats. Go back out to look for horse. Horse is not visible but you can hear crashing around in the woods going toward the main road.
Step 6: Try running in your wellies on the rock-hard, uneven, frozen ground in the woods as you chase horse. Trip and fall. Do it again.
Step 7: See horse on a trail. Cut over and get in front of horse. Jump up and down, wave your arms and yell. Jump out of the way just as soon as you realize that he does not even see you and will mow you down if you stand in his way.
Step 8: Repeat step 7. Again. Again. Once more.
Step 9: By now, you should be very, very warm. Resist temptation to be snarky when hubby comes out of the nice warm house and yells over to you - Did you know one of your horses is loose?
Step 10: Ponder all the ways to define horse's behavior. Crazy. Psychotic. Berserk. Insane. Lunatic. Bonkers. Running Amok. Remembering that childhood fear that your horse will go crazy if he eats locoweed, you wonder if there really IS a locoweed and if so how the hell did horse get it?
Step 11: Give up any hope of "catching" him. He is, after all, on a mission from alien beings who have instructed him to hunt the demons that live in the woods. This is the only rational explanation you can find...
Step 12: Seeing that horse is running the same crazy loops over and over, you realize that he occasionally runs back to the barn. Get thee to the front of the barn and hide and wait until he comes back. Voila - here he comes - NOW, shut the barn doors behind him as quick as you can and herd him back into his stall and slam the stall door shut. Realize that he has spent 20 minutes running around like a lunatic.
Step 13: Don't relax yet. Just as you are about to stop hyper-ventilating, you realize he is trying to jump out the lower dutch outside stall door. Think, quick, which can you find faster, the ACE or a baseball bat? ACE wins. Yes, you know it will be more effective under the circumstances if you can get it in a vein. Don't be stupid. Horse looks like a whirling dervish in the stall. Draw 5 ccs ACE, ease into the stall, try to calm horse, then just lunge and stick the neck and push.
Step 14: By now, horse is exhausted, has soaked sweat through 2 blankets, all the adrenalin has been used up as he now remembers that his leg is injured and it HURTS. Horse gives up trying to jump out of the stall. Stops whirling. You see that the weird - totally insane - look in his eyes is fading. He realizes you are there in the stall. He comes to you, limping, drenched with sweat, looking pitiful because his leg hurts and he just wants you to scratch his head.
Step 15: Spend the next 24 hours worrying that he will colic and worrying that he has really re-injured the leg that had been making progress, and wondering just what the hell triggered this psychotic break. Finally decide the colic risk has passed, the leg seems better than you expected and you begin to hold out hope that he has survived his bout of alien demonic
possession without too much collateral damage.
Finally, regain sense of humor, chuckle now that it's over, and decide to entertain your FOL friends with the story of the Equine Jailbreak.
Now, pour a glass of red, curl up in front of the fire and relax.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Murphy's Horse Laws
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run a way from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one way to go. Down!
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run a way from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one way to go. Down!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Hoss tradin
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him."
"He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said.
The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $1,000."
"He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."
The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!"
The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
"He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said.
The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $1,000."
"He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."
The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!"
The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
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